MORE 
FABLES 

By  GEORGE  ADE 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


GIFT  OF 

FREDERIC  THOMAS  BLANCHARD 

FOR  THE 
ENGLISH  READING  ROOM 


More  Fables  in  Slang 


MOKX 
FABLES 


GEOK.GE 
ADE 


ILLUSTRATED 


CLYDE  J. 

NEWMAN 


PUBLISHED  BY 
RBERT  S.  STONE 
D        COMPANY 

H  1C  AGO  &  NEW  YORK 
D     C      C      C      C 


COPYRIGHT,      I9OO,      BY 
HERBERT  S.   STONE  fc  CO. 


Table  of  Contents 

PAGE 

The  Fable  of  How  Uncle  Brewster  was  Too 
Shifty  for  the  Tempter  ...  I 

The  Fable  of  the  Grass  Widow  and  the 
Mesmeree  and  the  Six  Dollars  .  1 5 

The  Fable  of  the  Honest  Money-Maker  and 
the  Partner  of  His  Joys,  Such  as  They 
Were  ...  .  .  .23 

The  Fable  of  Why  Sweetie  Flew  the  Track     3  7 

The  Fable  of  the  Ex-Chattel  and  the  Awful 
Swat  /£/*/was  Waiting  ftr  the  Colonel  .  51 

The  Fable  of  the  Corporation  Director  and 
the  Mislaid  Ambition  .  .  .61 

The  Fable  of  What  Happened  the  Night  the 
Men  Came  to  the  Women's  Club  .  69 

The  Fable  of  Why  Essie's  Tall  Friend  Got 
the  Fresh  Air  .  .  .  *  .  85 


The  Fable  of  the  Michigan  Counterfeit  Wbo 
Wasn't  One  Thing  or  the  Other  .  .  91 

The  Fable  of  tb:  Adult  Girl  Who  Got  Busy 
Before  They  Could  Ring  the  Bell  on  Her  103 

The  Fable  of  the  Man-Grabber  Who  Went 
Out  of  His  Class  .  .  .  .  1 1 7 

The  Fable  of  the  Inveterate  Joker  who  Re- 
mained //;  Montana  .  .  .  .121 

The  Fable  of  the  Cruel  Insult  and  the  Arrival 
of  the  Lover  from  No.  6  .  .  .129 

The  Fable  of  the  Lodge  Fiend,  and  the 
Delilah  Trick  Played  by  His  Wife  .141 

The  Fable  of  the  Apprehensive  Sparrow  and 
Her  Daily  Escape  .  .  .  .  151 

The  Fable  of  the  Regular  Customer  and  the 
Copper-Lined  Entertainer  .  .  .  157 

The  Fable  of  Lutie,  the  False  Alarm,  and 
How  She  Finished  about  the  Time  that 
She  Started 173 


The  Fable  of  the  Cotillon  Leader  from  the 
Huckleberry  District  with  the  Intermit- 
tent Memory  .  .  .  .  .187 

The  Fable  of  the  He-Gossip  and  the  Man's 
Wife  and  the  Man  .  ,  .  .193 

The  Fable  of  the  Author  Who  was  Sorry  for 
What  He  Did  to  Willie  .  .  .205 


THE  FABLE  OF  HOW  UNCLE 
BREWSTER  WAS  TOO  SHIFTY 
FOR  THE  TEMPTER 

WHEN    Uncle    Brewster    had 
put  on  his  Annual    Collar 
and  combed  his  Beard  and 
was  about  to  start  to    the   Depot,  his 
Wife,   Aunt    Mehely,  looked   at   him 
through  her  Specs  and  shook  her  Head 
doubtfully. 

Then  she  spoke  as  follows:  "You 
go  slow  there  in  the  City.  You  know 
your  Failin's.  You're  just  full  of  the 
Old  Harry,  and  when  you're  Het  Up 
you're  just  like  as  not  to  Raise 
Ned." 

"I  guess  I  can  take  keer  of  myse'f 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

about  as  well  as  the  Next  One,"  re- 
torted Uncle  Brewster.  "  I've  been 
to  the  Mill  an'  got  my  Grist,  if  any 
one  should  ask.  I  ain't  no  Greeny." 

With  that  he  started  for  the  Train, 
which  was  due  in  one  Hour. 

As  he  rode  toward  the  Great  City 
he  smoked  a  Baby  Mine  Cigar,  pur- 
chased of  the  Butcher,  and  told  the 
Brakeman  a  few  Joe  Millers  just  to 
throw  out  the  Impression  that  he  was 
Fine  and  Fancy. 

After  he  had  Registered  at  the  Hotel 
and  Swelled  Up  properly  when  ad- 
dressed as  "Mister"  by  the  Clerk,  he 
wanted  to  know  if  there  was  a  Lively 
Show  in  Town.  The  Clerk  told  him 
to  follow  the  Street  until  he  came  to 
all  the  Electric  Lights,  and  there  he 
would  find  a  Ballet.  Uncle  Brewster 


UNCLE   BREWSTER 
3 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

found  the  Place,  and  looked  in  through 
the  Hole  at  an  Assistant  Treasurer,  who 
was  Pale  and  wore  a  Red  Vest. 

"I  want  a  Chair  near  the  Band,"  said 
Uncle  Brewster.  "How  much  does 
one  of 'em  Fetch?" 

"Two  Dollars,"  replied  the  Assist- 
ant  Treasurer,  pulling  down  his  Cuffs 
and  then  examining  himself  in  a  small 
Mirror  at  one  side  of  the  Diagram. 

"Great  Grief!"  ejaculated  Uncle 
Brewster.  "  I  only  paid  Thirty-Five 
Cents  for  the  Glass  Blowers,  an'  I'll 
warrant  you  they  beat  your  Troupe  as 
bad  as  Cranberries  beats  Glue.  I'll  see 
you  plumb  in  Halifax  before  I — " 

"  Stand  aside,  please,"  said  the  As- 
sistant Treasurer. 

Uncle  Brewster  saw  a  Policeman, 
and  thought  it  his  Duty  to  tell  the 


THE  FABLE    OF  UNCLE   BREWSTER 

Officer  that  the  Theater  Folks  were  a 
Pack  of  Robbers. 

"Up  an  Alley,"  said  the  Policeman. 

Instead  of  going  to  a  Show,  Uncle 
Brewster  stood  in  front  of  a  Clothing 
Store  and  watched  the  Wax  Figures. 

When  he  got  back  to  his  Room  the 
Bell-Hopper  came  around  and  asked 
him  if  he  cared  to  Sit  in  a  Quiet  Game. 
Uncle  Brewster  wanted  to  know  whether 
they  were  Gamblers  or  Business  Men, 
and  the  Boy  said  they  were  Business 
Men.  It  was  all  Friendly,  with  an  Ante 
of  Two  Bits  and  the  Chandelier  as  the 
Limit.  Uncle  Brewster  said  he  was  ac- 
customed to  playing  with  Lima  Beans, 
Three  for  a  Cent  and  One  call  Two  and 
no  fair  to  Bluff.  The  Bell-Hopper 
told  him  to  Turn  In  and  get  a  Good 
Night's  Rest. 

5 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Next  Morning  at  the  Hotel  he  spot- 
ted a  stylish  little  Chunk  of  a  Woman 
who  kept  the  Cigar  Case  and  sold 
Books  with  Actress  Photos  on  the  out- 
side. 

He  walked  over  to  buy  a  Cigar,  but 
he  happened  to  see  the  "3  for  500." 
Label  and  his  Feet  got  cold. 

So,  instead  of  buying  a  Cigar,  he 
conversed  with  the  Proprietress.  He 
seemed  to  be  a  Success  with  her,  and 
ventured  to  say  that  he  was  a  Stranger 
in  Town  and  would  like  first-rate  to  go 
out  to  a  Lecture  or  some  other  kind  of 
Entertainment  that  Evening  if  he  could 
find  a  Nice  Girl  that  didn't  mind  going 
with  a  Respectable  Man  who  could  give 
References,  and  besides  was  nearly  old 
enough  to  be  her  Father.  Then  after 
the  Lecture  they  could  go  to  a  First- 


THE   INVITATION 
7 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Class  Restaurant  and  have  an  Oyster 
Stew. 

Uncle  Brewster  had  read  the  Illus- 
trated Papers  in  the  Barber  Shop  out 
Home,  and  he  certainly  knew  what  was 
Expected  of  a  Man  who  wanted  to  give 
a  Gay  .Girl  the  Time  of  her  Life. 

The  Cigar  and  Literary  Girl  said  she 
would  be  Charmed  to  Accompany  him 
only  for  one  Thing:  She  said  she 
didn't  have  a  Hat  that  was  Fit  to 
Wear.  She  said  she  could  tell  by  his 
Looks  that  he  was  a  Gentleman  that 
wouldn't  want  to  go  anywhere  with  a 
Lady  whose  Lid  was  Tacky.  Possibly 
he  would  be  willing  to  Stake  her  to  a 
Hat. 

"What  would  the  Hat  come  to?" 
asked  Uncle  Brewster,  somewhat  Leary. 


THE   FABLE    OF  UNCLE   BREWSTER 


"Only  Fourteen  Dollars,"  she  re- 
plied. 

"I'll  Think  it  Over,"  quoth  Uncle 
Brewster,  in  a  choking  Voice,  and  he 
was  so  Groggy  he  walked  into  the  Ele- 
vator instead  of  going  out  the  Street 
Door. 

A  little  while  later  Uncle  Brewster 
met  an  Acquaintance  who  gave  him  a 
Complimentary  Badge  to  the  Races. 
He  walked  out  to  the  Track,  so  as  to 
make  the  Expense  as  Reasonable  as 
possible. 

As  soon  as  he  was  in  the  Ring  a 
Tout  took  him  back  of  a  Hot  Sausage 
Booth  and  told  him  not  to  Give  it  Out, 
but  Green  Pill  in  the  First  Race  was 
sure  to  Win  as  far  as  a  man  could  throw 
an  Anvil,  and  to  hurry  and  get  a  Piece 
of  Money  on.  Uncle  Brewster  looked 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

at  the  Entries  and  began  to  Quiver. 
He  wished  that  Doc  Jimmison  could 
be  there  to  Advise  him.  Green  Pill 
was  30  to  i,  and  the  Tout  had  his  in- 
formation from  a  Stable  Boy  that  slept 
with  the  Horse. 

A  Reckless  Spirit  seized  Uncle 
Brewster.  He  said  he  would  take  a 
Chance  even  if  he  didn't  know  for  Sure 
that  he  would  Win.  So  he  walked  up 
to  a  Bookie  and  said  to  him:  "I  want 
to  Bet  Fifty  Cents  on  Green  Pill,  and 
this  is  a  Dollar  here,  so  you  want  to 
give  me  Fifty  Cents  Change." 

Whereupon  the  Bookie  told  him  to 
Back  Up  and  Fade  and  do  a  Disappear- 
ing Specialty. 

Uncle  Brewster  Escaped  and  found 
himself  at  a  Bar.  He  decided  that  he 
would  take  a  Drink,  because  he  wouldn't 


NON-COMBUSTIBLE 

IX 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

be  Home  until  next  Day  and  by  that 
time  it  would  be  off  his  Breath. 

So  he  laid  his  Bosom  against  the 
Brass  Railing  and  said  to  the  Man  in 
White,  "You  might  as  well  draw  me  a 
Glass  of  Beer." 

"  We've  got  it  in  Bottles,"  said  the 
Barkeep,  regarding  Uncle  Brewster  with- 
out a  sign  of  Enthusiasm. 

"  What  do  you  git  for  a  Bottle  ? " 
asked  Uncle  Brewster. 

"  Twenty  Cents,"  was  the  Reply  of 
the  Liquor  Clerk. 

"  Keep  it,"  said  Uncle  Brewster. 

Perceiving  that  the  Race-Track  was 
in  the  hands  of  Gougers,  Uncle  Brew- 
ster walked  back  to  the  Hotel.  By  that 
Time  his  New  Shoes  had  Crippled  him, 
and  he  decided  to  take  the  Afternoon 
Train  for  home  instead  of  Waiting  Over. 

12 


THE   FABLE    OF  UNCLE   BREWSTER 

That  Evening  he  was  back  at  his 
own  Fireside,  with  the  Bunged-Up  Feet 
resting  in  Carpet  Slippers.  As  he  sat 
and  read  the  Poultry  Magazine,  Aunt 
Mehely  looked  at  him  sidewise,  and  full 
of  Suspicion  said,  "  I  s'pose  you  just 
Played  Hob  there  in  the  City." 

And  Uncle  Brewster  replied  as  fol- 
lows:  "No,  Mother,  I  didn't  Drink 
and  I  didn't  Gamble.  I  didn't  do 
Nothin'  —  not  even  go  to  a  Theayter." 

And  as  he  spoke  an  Aureole  of  Vir- 
tue seemed  to  curdle  above  him,  while 
his  Countenance  bore  an  Expression  of 
Placid  Triumph,  which  meant  that  he 
was  the  real  Asbestos  Paragon  who  had 
been  tried  in  the  Furnace  and  declared 
Non-Combustible. 

MORAL:  Some  People  are  Good  because 
it  Comes  High  to  be  Otherwise. 
13 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  GRASS  WIDOW 
AND  THE  MESMEREE  AND  THE 
SIX  DOLLARS 

ONE  Day  a  keen  Business  man- 
ager who  thought  nobody  could 
Show  him  was  sitting  at  his 
Desk.  A  Grass  Widow  floated  in,  and 
stood  Smiling  at  him.  She  was  a  Blonde, 
and  had  a  Gown  that  fit  her  as  if  she  had 
been  Packed  into  it  by  Hydraulic  Press- 
ure. She  was  just  as  Demure  as  Edna 
May  ever  tried  to  be,  but  the  Business 
Manager  was  a  Lightning  Calculator, 
and  he  Surmised  that  the  Bunk  was 
about  to  be  Handed  to  him.  The  Cold 
Chills  went  down  his  Spine  when  he 
caught  a  Flash  of  the  Half- Morocco 

Prospectus. 

15 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

If  it  had  been  a  Man  Agent  he  would 
have  shouted  "Sick  'em"  and  reached 
for  a  Paper-Weight.  But  when  the 
Agent  has  the  Venus  de  Milo  beaten  on 
Points  and  Style,  and  when  the  Way  the 
Skirt  sets  isn't  so  Poor,  and  she  is  Coy 
and  introduces  the  Startled  Fawn  way 
of  backing  up  without  getting  any  far- 
ther away,  and  when  she  comes  on 
with  short  Steps,  and  he  gets  the  remote 
Swish  of  the  Real  Silk,  to  say  nothing 
of  the  Faint  Aroma  of  New-Mown 
Hay,  and  her  Hesitating  Manner  seems 
to  ask,  "  Have  I  or  have  I  not  met  a 
Friend?" — in  a  Case  of  that  kind,  the 
Victim  is  just  the  same  as  Strapped  to 
the  Operating-Table.  He  has  about 
One  Chance  in  a  Million. 

The  timorous  but  trusting  little  Grass 
Widow  sat  beside  the  Business  Manager 

16 


GRASS  WIDOW 
17 


MORE   FABLES    JN  SLANG 

and  told  him  her  Hard-Luck  Story  in 
low,  bird-like  Notes.  She  said  she  was 
the  only  Support  of  her  Little  Boy,  who 
was  attending  a  Military  School  at  Syra- 
cuse, N.  Y.  She  turned  the  Liquid 
Orbs  on  him  and  had  him  to  the  Bad. 
He  thought  he  would  tell  her  that 
already  he  had  more  Books  at  Home 
than  he  could  get  on  the  Shelves,  but 
when  he  tried  to  Talk  he  only  Yam- 
mered. She  Kept  on  with  her  little 
Song,  and  Smiled  all  the  Time,  and  sat 
a  little  Closer,  and  he  got  so  Dizzy  he 
had  to  lock  his  Legs  under  the  Office 
Chair  to  keep  from  Sinking  Away. 

When  she  had  him  in  the  Hypnotic 
State  she  pushed  the  Silver  Pencil  into 
his  Right  Hand,  and  showed  him  where 
to  sign  his  Name.  He  wrote  it,  while 
the  dim  Sub- Consciousness  told  him 

18 


THE   OFFICE   BOY 
19 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

that  probably  he  was  the  Softest  Thing 
the  Lady  Robber  had  Stood  Up  that 
Season.  Then  she  recovered  the  Pen- 
cil, which  he  was  confusedly  trying  to 
put  into  his  Vest  Pocket,  and  missing  it 
about  Six  Inches,  and  with  a  cheery 
Good  By  she  was  gone. 

He  shook  himself  and  took  a  Long 
Breath,  and  asked  where  he  was.  Then 
it  all  came  back  to  him  and  he  felt 
Ornery,  and  called  himself  Names  and 
roasted  the  Office  Boy  in  the  Next 
Room,  and  made  a  Rule  that  hereafter 
Nobody  could  get  at  him  except  by 
Card,  and  if  any  Blonde  Sharks  in  Ex- 
pensive Costumes  asked  for  him,  to  call 
up  the  Chief  and  ask  for  a  Squad. 

He  was  so  Wrothy  at  himself  for  be- 
ing Held  Up  that  he  could  not  find 
any  Consolation  except  in  the  Fact  that 

20 


THE   GRASS    WIDOW 


he  had  seen  on  the  List  of  Subscribers 
the  name  of  nearly  every  well-known 
married  Citizen  above  the  Age  of  35. 
He  was  not  the  Only  One.  She  had 
Corralled  the  Street. 

When  the  Man  came  around  to  de- 
liver the  seven-pound  copy  of  "Happy 
Hours  with  the  Poets,"  and  he  paid  out 
his  Six  Silver  Pieces  for  a  queer  Volume 
that  he  would  not  have  Read  for  Six  an 
Hour,  he  hated  himself  worse  than  ever. 
He  thought  some  of  giving  the  Book 
to  the  Office  Boy,  by  way  of  Revenge, 
but  he  hit  upon  a  Better  Use  for  it. 
He  put  it  back  into  the  Box  and  car- 
ried it  Home,  and  said  to  his  Wife, 
"  See  what  I  have  Bought  for  you." 

"It  occurred  to  him  that  after  getting 
a  Present  like  that,  she  ought  to  let  him 
stay  out  every  Night  for  a  Month.  But 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

she  could  not  see  it  that  Way.  He  had 
to  tell  her  that  Some  Women  never 
seem  to  Appreciate  having  Husbands  to 
Grind  and  Toil  all  day,  so  as  to  be  able 
to  purchase  Beautiful  Gifts  for  them. 
Then  she  told  him  that  all  the  Women 
of  her  Acquaintance  had  received  these 
Books  as  Presents,  and  a  crowd  of  Mar- 
ried Men  must  have  been  given  a  Club 
Rate.  Then  he  Spunked  up  and  said 
that  if  she  was  going  to  look  a  Gift 
Horse  in  the  Mouth,  they  wouldn't 
Talk  about  it  any  more. 

In  the  meantime  the  Grass  Widow 
was  living  at  the  Waldorf-Astoria. 

MORAL:  Those  who  are  Entitled  to  it 
Get  it  sooner  or  later. 


33 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  HONEST 
MONEY-MAKER  AND  THE 
PARTNER  OF  HIS  JOYS,  SUCH 
4S  THEY  WERE 

THE  Prosperous  Farmer  lived 
in  an  Agricultural  Section  of 
the  Middle  West.  He  com- 
manded the  Respect  of  all  his  Neigh- 
bors. He  owned  a  Section,  and  had  a 
Raft  of  big  Horses  and  white-faced 
Cows  and  Farm  Machinery,  and  Money 
in  the  Bank  besides.  He  still  had  the 
first  Dollar  he  ever  made,  and  it  could 
not  have  been  taken  away  from  him 
with  Pincers. 

Henry  was  a  ponderous,  Clydesdale 
kind  of  Man,  with  Warts  on  his  Hands. 
23 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

He  did  not  have  to  travel  on  Appear- 
ances, because  the  whole  County  knew 
what  he  was  Worth.  Of  course  he 
was  Married.  Years  before  he  had 
selected  a  willing  Country  Girl  with 
Pink  Cheeks,  and  put  her  into  his 
Kitchen  to  serve  the  Remainder  of  her 
Natural  Life.  He  let  her  have  as  high 
as  Two  Dollars  a  Year  to  spend  for 
herself.  Her  Hours  were  from  6  A.  M. 
to  6  A.  M.,  and  if  she  got  any  Sleep 
she  had  to  take  it  out  of  her  Time. 
The  Eight-Hour  Day  was  not  recog- 
nized on  Henry's  Place. 

After  Ten  Years  of  raising  Children, 
Steaming  over  the  Washtub,  Milking 
the  Cows,  Carrying  in  Wood,  Cooking 
for  the  Hands,  and  other  Delsarte  such 
as  the  Respected  Farmer  usually  Frames 
Up  for  his  Wife,  she  was  as  thin  as  a 
24 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Rail  and  humped  over  in  the  Shoulders. 
She  was  Thirty,  and  looked  Sixty.  Her 
Complexion  was  like  Parchment  and 
her  Voice  had  been  worn  to  a  Cackle. 
She  was  losing  her  Teeth,  too,  but 
Henry  could  not  afford  to  pay  Dentist 
Bills  because  he  needed  all  his  Money 
to  buy  more  Poland  Chinas  and  build 
other  Cribs.  If  she  wanted  a  Summer 
Kitchen  or  a  new  Wringer  or  a  Sewing 
Machine,  or  Anything  Else  that  would 
lighten  her  Labors,  Henry  would  Moan 
and  Grumble  and  say  she  was  trying  to 
land  him  in  the  Poorhouse. 

They  had  a  dandy  big  Barn,  painted 
Red  with  White  Trimmings,  and  a  Pat- 
ent Fork  to  lift  the  Hay  into  the  Mow, 
and  the  Family  lived  in  a  Pine  Box  that 
had  not  been  Painted  in  Years  and  had 
Dog- Fennel  all  around  the  Front  of  it. 
26 


THE  HONEST   MONEY-MAKER 

The  Wife  of  the  Respected  Farmer 
was  the  only  Work  Animal  around  the 
Place  that  was  not  kept  Fat  and  Sleek. 
But,  of  course,  Henry  did  not  count  on 
Selling  her.  Henry  often  would  fix  up 
his  Blooded  Stock  for  the  County  Fair 
and  tie  Blue  Ribbons  on  the  Percherons 
and  Herefords,  but  it  was  never  noticed 
that  he  tied  any  Blue  Ribbons  on  the 
Wife. 

And  yet  Henry  was  a  Man  to  be 
Proud  of.  He  never  Drank  and  he 
was  a  Good  Hand  with  Horses,  and  he 
used  to  go  to  Church  on  Sunday  Morn- 
ing and  hold  a  Cud  of  Tobacco  in  his 
Face  during  Services  and  sing  Hymns 
with  Extreme  Unction.  He  would 
sing  that  he  was  a  Lamb  and  had  put 
on  the  Snow-White  Robes  and  that 
Peace  attended  him.  People  would  see 
27 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

him  there  in  his  Store  Suit,  with  the 
Emaciated  Wife  and  the  Scared  Chil- 
dren sitting  in  the  Shadow  of  his  Great- 
ness, and  they  said  that  she  was  Lucky 
to  have  a  Man  who  was  so  Well  Off 
and  lived  in  the  Fear  of  the  Lord. 

'Henry  was  Patriotic  as  well  as  Pious. 
He  had  a  Picture  of  Abraham  Lincoln 
in  the  Front  Room,  which  no  one  was 
permitted  to  Enter,  and  he  was  glad 
that  Slavery  had  been  abolished. 

Henry  robbed  the  Cradle  in  order  to 
get  Farm-Hands.  As  soon  as  the  Chil- 
dren were  able  to  Walk  without  holding 
on,  he  started  them  for  the  Corn-Field, 
and  told  them  to  Pay  for  the  Board  that 
they  had  been  Sponging  off  of  him  up 
to  that  Time.  He  did  not  want  them 
to  get  too  much  Schooling  for  fear  that 
they  would  want  to  sit  up  at  Night  and 
28 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Read  instead  of  Turning  In  so  as  to  get 
an  Early  Start  along  before  Daylight 
next  Morning.  So  they  did  not  get  any 
too  much,  rest  easy.  And  he  never 
Foundered  them  on  Stick  Candy  or 
Raisins  or  any  such  Delicatessen  for  sale 
at  a  General  Store.  Henry  was  undoubt- 
edly the  Tightest  Wad  in  the  Town- 
ship. Some  of  the  Folks  who  had  got 
into  a  Box  through  Poor  Management, 
and  had  been  Foreclosed  out  of  House 
and  Home  by  Henry  and  his  Lawyer, 
used  to  say  that  Henry  was  a  Skin,  and 
was  too  Stingy  to  give  his  Family 
enough  to  Eat,  but  most  People  looked 
up  to  Henry,  for  there  was  no  getting 
around  it  that  he  was  Successful. 

When    the    Respected    Farmer    had 
been  Married  for  Twenty  Years  and  the 
Children  had  developed  into  long  Gawks 
3° 


THE   HONEST    MONEY-MAKER 

who  did  not  know  Anything  except  to 
get  out  and  Toil  all  Day  for  Pa  and  not 
be  paid  anything  for  it,  and  after  Henry 
had  scraped  together  more  Money  than 
you  could  load  on  a  Hay-Rack,  an  Un- 
fortunate Thing  happened.  His  Wife 
began  to  Fail.  She  was  now  Forty,  but 
the  Fair  and  Fat  did  not  go  with  it.  At 
that  Age  some  Women  are  Buxom  and 
just  blossoming  into  the  Full  Charm  of 
Matronly  Womanhood.  But  Henry's 
Wife  was  Gaunt  and  Homely  and  all 
Run  Down.  She  had  been  Poorly  for 
Years,  but  she  had  to  keep  up  and  do 
the  Chores  as  well  as  the  House- Work, 
because  Henry  could  not  afford  to  hire 
a  Girl.  At  last  her  Back  gave  out,  so 
that  she  had  to  sit  down  and  Rest  every 
Once  in  a  While.  Henry  would  come 
in  for  his  Meals  and  to  let  her  know 
31 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

how  Hearty  all  the  Calves  seemed  to 
be,  and  he  began  to  Notice  that  she  was 
not  very  Chipper.  It  Worried  him  more 
than  a  little,  because  he  did  not  care  to 
pay  any  Doctor  Bills.  He  told  her  she 
had  better  go  and  get  some  Patent 
Medicine  that  he  had  seen  advertised  on 
the  Fence  coming  out  from  Town.  It 
was  only  Twenty-Five  cents  a  Bottle, 
and  was  warranted  to  Cure  Anything. 
So  she  tried  it,  but  it  did  not  seem  to 
restore  her  Youth  and  she  got  Weaker, 
and  at  last  Henry  just  had  to  have  the 
Doctor,  Expense  or  No  Expense.  The 
Doctor  said  that  as  nearly  as  he  could 
Diagnose  her  Case,  she  seemed  to  be 
Worn  Out.  Henry  was  Surprised,  and 
said  she  had  not  been  Complaining  any 
more  than  Usual. 

Next  Afternoon  he  was  out  Dicker- 
32 


THE   FAMILY 

33 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

ing  for  a  Bull,  and  his  Woman,  lying 
on  the  cheap  Bedstead,  up  under  the 
hot  Roof,  folded  her  lean  Hands  and 
slipped  away  to  the  only  Rest  she  had 
known  since  she  tied  up  with  a  Prosper- 
ous and  Respected  Farmer. 

Henry  was  all  Broken  Up.  He 
Wailed  and  Sobbed  and  made  an  Aw- 
ful Fuss  at  the  Church.  The  Preacher 
tried  to  Comfort  him  by  saying  that 
the  Ways  of  Providence  were  beyond 
all  Finding  Out.  He  said  that  proba- 
bly there  was  some  Reason  why  the 
Sister  had  been  taken  right  in  the  Prime 
of  her  Usefulness,  but  it  was  not  for 
Henry  to  know  it.  He  said  the  only 
Consolation  he  could  offer  was  the 
Hope  that  possibly  she  was  Better  Off. 
There  did  not  seem  to  be  much  Doubt 
about  that. 

34 


THE  HONEST   MONEY-MAKER 

In  about  a  Month  the  Respected 
Farmer  was  riding  around  the  Country 
in  his  Buck-Board  looking  for  Number 
Two.  He  had  a  business  Head  and 
he  knew  it  was  Cheaper  to  Marry  than 
to  Hire  one.  His  Daughter  was  only 
Eleven  and  not  quite  Big  Enough  as 
yet  to  do  all  the  Work  for  five  Men. 

Finally  he  found  one  who  had  the 
Reputation  of  being  a  Good  Worker. 
When  he  took  her  over  to  his  House 
to  Break  Her  In,  the  Paper  at  the 
County  Seat  referred  to  them  as  the 
Happy  Couple. 

MORAL:  Be  Honest  and  Respected 
and  it  Goes. 


35 


THE    FABLE     OF    WHY    SWEETIE 
FLEW   THE   TRACK 

ONCE  there  were  two  Married 
People  who  used  "  Lovey  "  and 
"Pet"  when  they  were  in  Com- 
pany, and  as  soon  as  they  were  at  Home 
they  Threw  Things  at  each  other.  She 
used  to  watch  him  through  a  Hole  in 
the  Curtain  to  see  if  he  Flirted  with  any 
Women  as  he  walked  up  the  Street,  and 
he  bribed  the  Hired  Girl  to  tell  him 
Everything  that  happened  while  he  was 
off  the  Reservation. 

They  did  not  Mocha  and  Java  worth 
a  Cent. 

The  Cardboard  Motto  in  the  Dining 
Room  said,  "  Love  One  Another,"  but 
they  were  too  Busy  to  Read. 

37 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

He  had  a  Clearing  on  the  top  of  his 
Head  and  wore  Side- Whiskers  and  bore 
a  general  Resemblance  to  the  Before  in 
an  Ad  for  a  Facial  Treatment,  and  yet 
she  suspected  that  all  the  Women  in 
Town  were  Crazy  to  steal  him  away 
from  her. 

Likewise,  inasmuch  as  she  was  the 
same  Width  all  the  way  up  and  down, 
the  same  as  a  Poster  Girl,  and  used  to 
sport  a  Velvet  Shroud  with  Black  Beads 
on  it,  and  could  wield  a  Tooth- Pick  and 
carry  on  a  Conversation  at  the  same 
time,  he  knew  that  sooner  or  later  some 
Handsome  Wretch  with  Money  would 
try  to  Abduct  her. 

Sometimes  he  would  bring  a  Friend 

Home  to  Dinner,  and  then  if  the  Friend 

extended  himself  and  told  the  Missus 

how  well  she  was  looking  or  Perjured 

38 


BABY 

39 


himself  over  her  Hand-Painting,  Papa 
would  get  a  Grouch  and  hide  in  the 
Corner. 

Then  she  would  Fan  herself  rapidly 
and  ask,  "Aren't  you  well,  Dear?" 

Dear  would  force  one  of  those  Dying- 
Martyr  Smiles  and  reply,  "  I  am  quite 
well,  Puss." 

Then  Puss  would  tell  the  Visitor  that 
Baby  was  simply  ruining  his  Health 
through  Devotion  to  his  Employers, 
but  they  didn't  seem  to  Appreciate  him 
at  all. 

After  the  Visitor  went  away  there 
would  be  Language  all  over  the  Shop, 
and  the  poor  Hired  Girl  would  lock 
the  Door  and  write  to  the  Intelligence 
Office  for  a  new  Place. 

Truly,  it  was  a  Happy  Little  Home, 
with  the  Reverse  English. 
40 


THE   FABLE    OF  SWEETIE 

She  would  Frisk  his  Wardrobe  every 
day  or  two,  looking  for  Evidence,  and 
he  would  compel  her  to  Itemize  her 
Accounts  so  that  he  might  be  sure  she 
was  not  giving  Jewelry  to  the  Iceman. 

She  would  find  a  certain  Passage  in  a 
Book,  relating  to  Man's  Cruelty  and 
Woman's  Silent  Suffering,  and  then  she 
would  Mark  the  Passage  and  put  it 
where  he  could  Find  it.  Then  when 
he  Found  it,  he  would  Mark  it  "Rot!" 
and  put  it  where  She  could  find  it,  and 
then  she  would  Weep  and  write  Letters 
to  Lady  Authors  telling  them  how  Sad 
and  Lonely  she  was. 

But  all  the  Time  they  kept  up  an 
Affectionate  Front  before  their  Ac- 
quaintances. They  thought  it  better  to 
avoid  Scenes  in  Public;  and  although 
each  knew  that  the  other  was  False  and 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

had  ceased  to  Love,  they  could  not 
bring  themselves  to  think  of  a  Separa- 
tion or  a  Divorce  on  account  of  the 
Cat — their  Cat!  The  Cat  must  never 
know. 

However,  one  of  his  Business  Asso- 
ciates was  On.  He  was  a  Bachelor  and 
had  lived  at  a  European  Hotel  for  Years, 
and  he  knew  just  how  to  Arbitrate 
a  Domestic  Scrap.  So  he  sat  down 
one  day  and  gave  the  Husband  a  Good 
Talking-To.  He  said  it  was  a  Shame 
that  such  Nice  People  should  have  their 
Differences  when  it  was  so  easy  to  be 
Happy.  With  that  he  handed  over 
a  Slew  of  Platitudes  and  Proverbs,  such 
as:  "A  Soft  Answer  Turneth  Away 
Wrath,"  "It  takes  Two  to  Make  a 
Quarrel,"  "Think  Twice  before  you 
Speak  once,"  et  cetera. 
42 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

The  Gist  of  his  heart-to-heart  Talk 
was  that  any  Husband  could  stop  Rough 
House  Proceedings  and  shoot  all  kinds 
of  Sweetness  and  Light  into  the  sassiest 
Mooch  a  Wife  ever  got  on  to  her- 
self, if  only  he  would  refuse  to  Quarrel 
with  her,  receive  her  Flings  without  a 
Show  of  Wrath,  and  get  up  every  Morn- 
ing ready  to  Plug  for  a  Renaissance 
of  their  Early  Love. 

Oh,  but  it  was  a  Beauty  Bright  Sys- 
tem !  The  European  Hotel  Bachelor 
said  it  couldn't  Lose. 

The  Husband  decided  to  give  it  a 
Trial.  That  very  Afternoon  he  met 
his  Wife,  who  had  come  out  in  her  long 
Fawn-Colored  Coat  that  fell  straight  in 
the  Back.  She  had  her  Upper  Rigging 
set,  and  was  trying  to  Blanket  every- 
thing on  the  Street.  He  flashed  a  Smil- 

44 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

ing  Countenance,  and  said  he  was  glad 
to  see  her.  Then,  instead  of  asking 
her  When  she  left  the  House,  and 
Where  she  had  been  since  then,  and 
How  Soon  she  expected  to  go  Home 
again,  he  told  her  she  was  looking  Un- 
usually Charming.  She  was  Startled. 

He  handed  her  a  Ten  and  told  her 
to  have  a  Good  Time.  Now,  usually, 
when  she  wanted  any  Pin  Money,  she 
had  to  Pry  it  out  of  him. 

On  her  way  home  her  Mind  was  in  a 
Tumult.  Why  had  he  given  her  the 
Con  Speech  and  all  that  Money?  What 
was  the  Ulterior  Motive?  What  had 
he  been  Doing  that  he  should  attempt 
to  Coddle  her  into  a  Forgiving  Mood? 
Did  he  Fear  that  she  would  get  next  to 
his  Past?  Huh? 

He  just  couldn't  Fool  her.  She 
46 


THE   FABLE    OF  SWEETIE 

knew  Something  was  Doing.    Else  why 
should  he  try  to  Fix  her? 

As  soon  as  he  came  Home  that 
Evening  she  Accused  him  and  said 
she  knew  All.  Instead  of  Countering 
with  the  usual  Gibe,  he  told  her  that 
she  was  the  Only  Woman  he  had  ever 
Loved  and  would  she  go  to  a  Show  that 
Evening  ?  She  went,  thinking  that  per- 
haps the  Other  Woman  might  be  there 
and  she  could  detect  some  Signal  pass- 
ing between  them.  While  at  the  Theater 
he  fanned  her  and  explained  the  Plot, 
and  was  all  Attention.  They  rode  Home 
in  a  Cab,  because  he  said  a  Car  wasn't 
good  enough  for  His  Queen.  After 
they  were  at  Home  he  asked  her  to  sing 
the  Song  he  had  liked  so  much  in  the 
Old  Days,  "  My  Bonnie  Lies  Over  the 
Ocean."  This  was  Conclusive  Proof 

47 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

to  her  that  the  Hussy's  Name  was 
Bonnie. 

Next  Morning  before  he  started  away 
he  Kissed  her,  and  it  wasn't  any  Make- 
Believe  such  as  you  see  in  Comic  Opera. 
It  was  a  genuine  Olga  Nethersole  Buss, 
full  of  Linger  and  Adhesion.  To  cap 
the  Climax  he  said  he  would  stop  in 
and  order  some  Violets. 

As  soon  as  the  Door  slammed  she 
Staggered  toward  the  Kitchen,  holding 
on  to  the  Furniture  here  and  there,  the 
same  as  a  Sardou  Heroine.  In  the 
Kitchen  was  a  Box  of  Rough  on  Rats. 
Hastily  Concealing  it  beneath  the  loose 
Folds  of  her  Morning  Gown,  she  went 
to  her  Room  and  looked  in  the  Mirror. 

Ah,  when  he  saw  that  Cold,  White 
Face,  then  he  would  be  Sorry.  Upon 
Second  Thought,  this  didn't  seem  to  be 
48 


THE   FABLE    OF  SWEETIE 

a  Moral  Certainty,  so  she  Weakened 
and  had  the  Girl  take  the  Poison  and 
Hide  it.  She  said  she  would  Live — 
Live  to  Forget  his  Perfidy. 

That  day  she  went  back  to  Mamma, 
and  took  the  Cat  with  her. 

When  he  came  Home  in  the  Twi- 
light he  found  no  Wife,  no  Cat — only 
a  Scribbled  Note  saying  that  he  could 
no  longer  Deceive  her;  that  she  had 
seen  through  his  Diabolical  Plan  to  Lull 
her  Suspicions,  and  that  she  was  no 
longer  Safe  in  the  Same  House. 

When  the  Deserted  Husband  went 
to  the  Friend  and  told  him  what  had 
Happened,  the  Wise  Bachelor  said  : 

"  I  see.  You  did  not  go  at  her 
Strong  enough." 

MORAL:  They  don't  know  Anything 
about  it. 

49 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  EX-CHATTEL 
AND  THE  AWFUL  SWAT  THAT 
WAS  WAITING  FOR  THE 
COLONEL 

IN  one  of  the  States  of  the  Sunny 
South  there  stood  a  war-time  House 
that  had  six  white  Columns  along 
the  Veranda,  and  the  Chimney  ran  up 
the  outside  of  the  Wall. 

This    House  was    the  Abode   of  a 

Colonel  who  had  a  silver-gray  Goatee 

and  the   Manners  of  the  Old  School. 

All  the  First  Families  in  the  State  were 

related  to  him,  and   therefore  he  was 

somewhat  Particular  as  to  who  Lined 

Up  with  him  when  he  took  his  Toddy. 

He  was  proud  of  his  Ancestry,  and  he 

51 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

carried  the  Scars  to  prove  that  he  would 
Resent  an  Insult. 

Now  it  happened  that  the  Thirteenth 
Amendment  signified  nothing  to  him. 
He  had  been  Reconstructed,  but  it 
didn't  Take. 

While  on  a  Business  Trip  to  the 
North  he  stopped  at  a  Gaudy  Hotel 
with  all  kinds  of  Mirrors  and  Onyx 
Stairways. 

The  Head  Waiter  at  this  Hotel  was 
a  Colored  Gentleman  with  a  False  Front 
and  a  Dress  Suit  that  fit  him  too  soon. 
His  Name  was  Mr.  Winfield.  He  was 
President  of  the  Colored  Waiters'  Union, 
Vice-Presidentof  the  Republican  County 
Central  Committee,  and  Regal  Com- 
mander of  the  Princes  of  Ethiopia. 

His  Honors  lay  Heavily  upon  him. 
He  showed  People  where  to  sit  in  the 
52 


THE   COLONEL 

53 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Dining  Room,  and  those  who  failed  to 
Obey  usually  had  to  wait  fifteen  or 
twenty  Minutes  for  their  Vermicelli. 

Mr.  Winfield  favored  his  Feet  some- 
what, which  caused  him  to  walk  Synco- 
pated, but,  everything  considered,  he 
was  quite  Important  and  fairly  Warm. 

One  morning  the  Colonel  went  into 
the  Dining  Room,  and  after  he  had 
seated  himself  he  called  Mr.  Winfield 
to  him  and  said  he  wanted  some  Hot 
Biscuit.  At  the  same  time  he  addressed 
Mr.  Winfield  as  a  Black  Hound.  Mr. 
Winfield  did  not  know  that  this  was  a 
Term  of  Endearment  in  Apahatchie 
County,  so  he  picked  up  a  Silver  Fruit 
Dish  and  bounced  it  against  the  Col- 
onel's Head. 

The  Colonel  arose  and  pulled  his 
Persuader,  expecting  to  make  it  a  Case 

54 


THE   EX-CHATTEL 


of  Justifiable  Homicide,  but  two  Wait- 
ers named  George  and  Grant  grabbed 
him  and  backed  him  up  against  the 
Wall. 

There  were  other  guests  in  the  Din- 
ing Room,  but  they  did  not  jump  in 
with  any  Gun  Plays  and  make  it  a  Race 
War,  because  Apahatchie  County  was 
Eight  Hundred  Miles  away.  One  of 
them  Co-Operated  to  the  extent  of 
Ringing  three  times  for  a  Policeman. 

The  Officer  of  the  Law  who  arrived 
in  a  few  Minutes  was  Mr.  Otis  Beasley, 
Most  Worshipful  Scribe  of  the  Princes 
of  Ethiopia,  of  which  Mr.  Winfield  was 
the  Regal  Commander. 

Mr.  Beasley  walked  up  to  Mr.  Win- 
field,  and  placing  his  Left  Hand  on  his 
Brow,  said,  "Hail,  Brother." 

"Hail,    Most    Noble    Prince!"    re- 

55 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

sponded  Mr.  Winfield,  making  the 
Mystic  Sign. 

"  What  are  the  Objects  of  our  Be- 
loved Fraternity  ? "  asked  Mr.  Beasley, 
in  a  whisper. 

"  Hope,  Coslosterousness,  and  Polo- 
tomy,"  replied  the  Regal  Commander. 

"'Tis  Well,"  said  the  Most  Wor- 
shipful Scribe,  giving  him  the  Grip. 

Having  completed  the  Secret  work, 
Mr.  Beasley  wanted  to  know  what  he 
could  do  for  Brother  Winfield. 

"Remove  this  Pusson,"  said  Mr. 
Winfield,  pointing  at  the  Colonel. 

So  it  came  about  that  He  who  in 
Apahatchie  County  had  trained  them  to 
hop  off  the  Sidewalk  and  stand  Un- 
covered until  he  had  passed,  now  suffered 
the  Hideous  Degradation  of  being 
marched  downstairs  by  One  of  Them 
56 


MR.   WINFIELD 
57 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

and  then  slammed  into  the  Hurry-Up 
Wagon.  Under  which  Circumstances 
the  Colonel  had  the  Rabies. 

At  the  Police  Station  he  was  dragged 
before  a  Magistrate  and  was  charged 
with  Disorderly  Conduct,  Carrying  Con- 
cealed Weapons,  Assault  and  Battery, 
Assault  with  Intent  to  Kill,  and  Resist- 
ing an  Officer. 

The  Magistrate  was  a  White  Man, 
and  to  him  the  Colonel  appealed  for 
Justice,  claiming  Brotherhood  as  a  Cau- 
casian. He  told  what  would  have  hap- 
pened in  Apahatchie  if  any  Coon  had 
dared  to  lay  a  finger  on  a  Colonel. 

Here  was  an  opening  for  the  Court.  It 
must  be  known  that  the  Court  lived  in 
a  Ward  that  was  Dark  in  one  End,  and 
he  was  out  for  the  Colored  Vote  in  case 


THE   EX-CHATTEL 


he  ran  for  Judge.  This  was  his  Chance 
to  make  a  Grand-Stand  Play. 

He  handed  down  a  Decision  to  the 
Effect  that  all  Men  are  Free  and  Equal, 
with  incidental  References  to  the  Eman- 
cipation Proclamation  and  Striking  the 
Shackles  from  Four  Millions  of  Human 
Beings.  He  Ratified  the  Constitution 
and  Permitted  the  Negro  to  stand  in 
the  Free  Sunlight.  In  Apahatchie 
County  he  would  have  been  used  for 
Target  Practice,  but  Apahatchie  County 
was  still  Eight  Hundred  Miles  away. 

In  Conclusion  he  Soaked  the  Colonel 
for  $32.75  in  Fines  and  Costs,  Confis- 
cating the  Weapon,  which  he  afterward 
presented  to  Officer  Otis  Beasley  as  a 
Slight  Token  of  Esteem. 

Next  Morning,  as  a  south-bound  Pas- 
senger Train  was  crossing  the  Ohio 

59 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

River,  the  Colored  Porter  on  the 
Atlanta  Sleeper  jumped  eighty  feet 
from  the  Trestle  into  the  Water  in 
order  to  Escape  with  his  Life. 

MORAL:     A    Head   Waiter  must  be 
Ruled  by  Kindness. 


60 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  CORPORA- 
TION DIRECTOR  AND  THE 
MISLAID  AMBITION 

ONE    of    the    Most    Promising 
Boys  in  a  Graded  School  had 
a  Burning  Ambition   to  be  a 
Congressman.     He  loved  Politics  and 
Oratory.     When  there  was  a  Rally  in 
Town    he    would    carry    a  Torch    and 
listen  to  the  Spellbinder  with  his  Mouth 
open. 

The  Boy  wanted  to  grow  up  and  wear 
a  Black  String  Tie  and  a  Bill  Cody  Hat 
and  walk  stiff-legged,  with  his  Vest  un- 
buttoned at  the  Top,  and  be  Distin- 
guished. 

On  Friday  Afternoons  he  would  go 

61 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

to  School  with  his  Face  scrubbed  to  a 
shiny  pink  and  his  Hair  reached  up 
on  one  side,  and  he  would  Recite  the 
Speeches  of  Patrick  Henry  and  Daniel 
Webster  and  make  Gestures. 

When  he  Graduated  from  the  High 
School  he  delivered  an  Oration  on  "  The 
Duty  of  the  Hour,"  calling  on  all  young 
Patriots  to  leap  into  the  Arena  and  with 
the  Shield  of  Virtue  quench  the  rising 
Flood  of  Corruption.  He  said  that  the 
Curse  of  Our  Times  was  the  Greed  for 
Wealth,  and  he  pleaded  for  Unselfish 
Patriotism  among  those  in  High  Places. 

He  boarded  at  Home  for  a  while  with- 
out seeing  a  chance  to  jump  into  the 
Arena,  and  finally  his  Father  worked  a 
Pull  and  got  him  a  Job  with  a  Steel 
Company.  He  proved  to  be  a  Handy 
Young  Man,  and  the  Manager  sent  Him 
62 


AMBITIOUS  YOUTH 
63 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

out  to  make  Contracts.  He  stopped 
reaching  his  Hair,  and  he  didn't  give 
the  Arena  of  Politics  any  serious  Con- 
sideration except  when  the  Tariff  on 
Steel  was  in  Danger. 

In  a  little  while  he  owned  a  few  Shares, 
and  after  that  he  became  a  Director. 
He  joined  several  Clubs  and  began  to 
enjoy  his  Food.  He  drank  a  Small 
Bottle  with  his  Luncheon  each  Day,  and 
he  couldn't  talk  Business  unless  he  held 
a  Scotch  High  Ball  in  his  Right  Hand. 

With  the  return  of  Prosperity  and 
the  Formation  of  the  Trust  and  the 
Whoop  in  all  Stocks  he  made  so  much 
Money  that  he  was  afraid  to  tell  the 
Amount. 

His  Girth  increased — he  became  puffy 
under  the  Eyes — you  could  see  the  little 
blue  Veins  on  his  Nose. 
64 


THE   CORPORATION   DIRECTOR 

He  kept  his  Name  out  of  the  Papers 
as  much  as  possible,  and  he  never  gave 
Congress  a  Thought  except  when  he 
talked  to  his  Lawyer  of  the  Probable 
Manner  in  which  they  would  Evade 
any  Legislation  against  Trusts.  He 
took  two  Turkish  Baths  every  week 
and  wore  Silk  Underwear.  When  an 
Eminent  Politician  would  come  to  his 
Office  to  shake  him  down  he  would 
send  out  Word  by  the  Boy  in  Buttons 
that  he  had  gone  to  Europe.  That's 
what  he  thought  of  Politics. 

One  day  while  rummaging  in  a  lower 
Drawer  in  his  Library,  looking  for  a 
Box  of  Poker  Chips,  he  came  upon  a 
Roll  of  Manuscript  and  wondered  what 
it  was.  He  opened  it  and  read  how  it 
was  the  Duty  of  all  True  Americans  to 
hop  into  the  Arena  and  struggle  unsel- 
65 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

fishly  for  the  General  Good.  It  came 
to  him  in  a  Flash — this  was  his  High 
School  Oration! 

Then  suddenly  he  remembered  that 
for  several  Years  of  his  Life  his  con- 
suming Ambition  had  been — to  go  to 
Congress ! 

With  a  demoniacal  Shriek  he  threw 
himself  at  full  length  on  a  Leather 
Couch  and  began  to  Laugh. 

He  rolled  off  the  Sofa  and  tossed 
about  on  a  $1,200  Rug  in  a  Paroxysm 
of  Merriment. 

His  Man  came  running  into  the 
Library  and  saw  the  Master  in  Convul- 
sions. The  poor  Trust  Magnate  was 
purple  in  the  Face. 

They  sent  for  a  Great  Specialist,  who 
said  that  his  Dear  Friend  had  rup- 
tured one  of  the  smaller  Arteries,  and 

66 


THE   MAGNATE 
67 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

also  narrowly  escaped  Death  by  Apo- 
plexy. 

He  advised  Rest  and  Quiet  and  the 
avoidance  of  any  Great  Shock. 

So  they  took  the  High  School  Ora- 
tion and  put  it  on  the  Ice,  and  the 
Magnate  slowly  recovered  and  returned 
to  his  nine-course  Dinners. 

MORAL:  Of  all  Sad  Words  of  Tongue 
or  Pen,  the  Saddest  are  these y  "//  Might 
Have  Been." 


68 


THE  FABLE  OF  WHAT  HAPPENED 
THE  NIGHT  THE  MEN  CAME 
TO  THE  WOMEN'S  CLUB 

IN  a  Progressive  Little  City  claim- 
ing about  twice  the  Population 
that  the  Census  Enumerators  could 
uncover,  there  was  a  Literary  Club.  It 
was  one  of  these  Clubs  guaranteed  to 
fix  you  out  with  Culture  while  you 
wait.  Two  or  three  Matrons,  who  were 
too  Heavy  for  Light  Amusements,  but 
not  old  enough  to  remain  at  Home  and 
Knit,  organized  the  Club.  Nearly  every 
Woman  in  town  rushed  to  get  in,  for 
fear  somebody  would  say  she  hadn't 
been  Asked. 

The  Club  used  to  Round  Up  once 
69 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

a  week  at  the  Homes  of  Members. 
There  would  be  a  Paper,  followed  by 
a  Discussion,  after  which  somebody 
would  Pour. 

The  Organization  seemed  to  be  a  Win- 
ner. One  Thing  the  Lady  Clubbers 
were  Dead  Set  On.  They  were  going 
to  have  Harmony  with  an  Upper  Case 
H.  They  were  out  to  cut  a  seven-foot 
Swath  through  English  Literature  from 
Beowulf  to  Bangs,  inclusive,  and  no 
petty  Jealousies  or  Bickerings  would 
stand  in  the  Way. 

So  while  they  were  at  the  Club  they 
would  pull  Kittenish  Smiles  at  each 
other,  and  Applaud  so  as  not  to  split 
the  Gloves.  Some  times  they  would 
Kiss,  too,  but  they  always  kept  their 
Fingers  crossed. 

Of  course,  when  they  got  off  in  Twos 
70 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

and  Threes  they  would  pull  the  little 
Meat-Axes  out  of  the  Reticules  and 
hack  a  few  Monograms,  but  that  was 
to  have  been  expected. 

Everything  considered,  the  Club  was 
a  Tremendous  Go.  At  each  Session 
the  Lady  President  would  announce 
the  Subject  for  the  next  Meeting.  For 
instance,  she  would  say  that  Next  Week 
they  would  take  up  Wyclif.  Then 
every  one  would  romp  home  to  look 
in  the  Encyclopedia  of  Authors  and 
find  out  who  in  the  world  Wyclif  was. 
On  the  following  Thursday  they  would 
have  Wyclif  down  Pat,  and  be  primed 
for  a  Discussion.  They  would  talk 
about  Wyclif  as  if  he  had  been  down  to 
the  House  for  Tea  every  evening  that 
Week. 

After  the  Club  had  been  running  for 


THE  NIGHT    THE   MEN   CAME 

Six  Months  it  was  beginning  to  be 
Strong  on  Quotations  and  Dates.  The 
Members  knew  that  Mrs.  Browning 
was  the  wife  of  Mr.  Browning,  that 
Milton  had  Trouble  with  his  Eyes,  and 
that  Lord  Byron  wasn't  all  that  he 
should  have  been,  to  say  the  Least. 
They  began  to  feel  their  Intellectual 
Oats.  In  the  meantime  the  Jeweler's 
Wife  had  designed  a  Club  Badge. 

The  Club  was  doing  such  Notable 
Work  that  some  of  the  Members 
thought  they  ought  to  have  a  Special 
Meeting  and  invite  the  Men.  They 
wanted  to  put  the  Cap-Sheaf  on  a  Profit- 
able Season,  and  at  the  same  time  hand 
the  Merited  Rebuke  to  some  of  the 
Husbands  and  Brothers  who  had  been 
making  Funny  Cracks. 

It  was  decided  to  give  the  Star  Pro- 

73 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

gramme  at  the  Beadle  Home,  and  after 
the  Papers  had  been  read  then  all  the 
Men  and  Five  Women  who  did  not 
hold  Office  could  file  through  the  Front 
Room  and  shake  Hands  with  the  Presi- 
dent, the  Vice-President,  the  Recording 
Secretary,  the  Corresponding  Secretary, 
the  Treasurer,  and  the  members  of  the 
various  Committees,  all  of  whom  were 
to  line  up  and  Receive. 

The  reason  the  Club  decided  to  have 
the  Brain  Barbecue  at  the  Beadle  Home 
was  that  the  Beadles  had  such  beautiful 
big  Rooms  and  Double  Doors.  There 
was  more  or  less  quiet  Harpoon  Work 
when  the  Announcement  was  made. 
Several  of  the  Elderly  Ones  said  that 
Josephine  Beadle  was  not  a  Represen- 
tative Member  of  the  Club.  She  was 
Fair  to  look  upon,  but  she  was  not 

74 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

pulling  very  hard  for  the  Uplifting  of 
the  Sex.  It  was  suspected  that  she 
came  to  the  Meetings  just  to  Kill  Time 
and  see  what  the  Others  were  Wearing. 
She  refused  to  buckle  down  to  Literary 
Work,  for  she  was  a  good  deal  more 
interested  in  the  Bachelors  who  filled 
the  Windows  of  the  new  Men's  Club 
than  she  was  in  the  Butler  who  wrote 
"Hudibras."  So  why  should  she  have 
the  Honor  of  entertaining  the  Club  at 
the  Annual  Meeting?  Unfortunately, 
the  Members  who  had  the  most  Doing 
under  their  Bonnets  were  not  the  ones 
who  could  come  to  the  Front  with  large 
Rooms  that  could  be  Thrown  together, 
so  the  Beadle  Home  got  the  Great 
Event. 

Every  one  in  Town  who   carried  a 
Pound  of  Social  Influence  showed  up 
76 


THE  NIGHT    THE   MEN   CAME 

in  his  or  her  Other  Clothes.  Extra 
Chairs  had  to  be  brought  in,  and  what 
with  the  Smilax  and  Club  Colors  it  was 
very  Swell,  and  the  Maiden  in  the  Lace 
Mitts  who  was  going  to  write  about  it 
for  the  Weekly  threw  a  couple  of 
Spasms. 

The  Men  were  led  in  pulling  at  the 
Halters  and  with  their  Ears  laid  back. 
After  they  got  into  the  Dressing  Room 
they  Stuck  there  until  they  had  to  be 
Shooed  out.  They  did  not  know  what 
they  were  going  against,  but  they  had 
their  Suspicions.  They  managed  to  get 
Rear  Seats  or  stand  along  the  Wall  so 
that  they  could  execute  the  Quiet  Sneak 
if  Things  got  too  Literary.  The 
Women  were  too  Flushed  and  Proud 
to  Notice. 

At  8:30  P.  M.  the    Lady  President 

77 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

stood  out  and  began  to  read  a  few  Pink 
Thoughts  on  "Woman's  Destiny  — 
Why  Not  ? "  Along  toward  9: 1 5,  about 
the  time  the  Lady  President  was  begin- 
ning to  show  up  Good  and  Earnest, 
Josephine  Beadle,  who  was  Circulating 
around  on  the  Outskirts  of  the  Throng 
to  make  sure  that  everybody  was  Happy, 
made  a  Discovery.  She  noticed  that 
the  Men  standing  along  the  Wall  and 
in  the  Doorways  were  not  more  than 
sixty  per  cent  En  Rapport  with  the 
Long  Piece  about  Woman's  Destiny. 
Now  Josephine  was  right  there  to  see 
that  Everybody  had  a  Nice  Time,  and 
she  did  not  like  to  see  the  Prominent 
Business  Men  of  the  Town  dying  of 
Thirst  or  Leg  Cramp  or  anything  like 
that,  so  she  gave  two  or  three  of  them 
the  Quiet  Wink,  and  they  tiptoed  after 
78 


LADY   PRESIDENT 
79 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

her  out  to  the  Dining  Room,  where  she 
offered  Refreshments,  and  said  they 
could  slip  out  on  the  Side  Porch  and 
Smoke  if  they  wanted  to. 

Probably  they  preferred  to  go  back 
in  the  Front  Room  and  hear  some 
more  about  Woman's  Destiny  not. 

As  soon  as  they  could  master  their 
Emotions  and  get  control  of  their 
Voices,  they  told  Josephine  what  they 
thought  of  her.  They  said  she  made 
the  Good  Samaritan  look  like  a  Cheap 
Criminal,  and  if  she  would  only  say  the 
Word  they  would  begin  to  put  Ground 
Glass  into  the  Food  at  Home.  Then 
Josephine  called  them  "Boys,"  which 
probably  does  not  make  a  Hit  with  one 
who  is  on  the  sloping  side  of  48. 
More  of  the  Men  seemed  to  awake  to 
the  Fact  that  they  were  Overlooking 
80 


THE   NIGHT    THE    MEN   CAME 

something,  so  they  came  on  the  Velvet 
Foot  back  to  the  Dining  Room  and 
declared  themselves  In,  and  flocked 
around  Josephine  and  called  her  "  Josie" 
and  "Joe."  They  didn't  care.  They 
were  having  a  Pleasant  Visit. 

Josephine  gave  them  Allopathic  Slugs 
of  the  Size  that  they  feed  you  in  the 
Navy  and  then  lower  you  into  the 
Dingey  and  send  you  Ashore.  Then 
she  let  them  go  out  on  the  Porch  to 
smoke.  By  the  time  the  Lady  Presi- 
dent came  to  the  last  Page  there  were 
only  two  Men  left  in  the  Front  Room. 
One  was  Asleep  and  the  other  was 
Penned  In. 

The  Women  were  Hurry.  They 
went  out  to  make  the  Men  come  in, 
and  found  them  Bunched  on  the  Porch 
listening  to  a  Story  that  a  Traveling 

81 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Man  had  just  brought  to  Town  that 
Day. 

Now  the  Plan  was  that  during  the 
Reception  the  Company  would  stand 
about  in  little  Groups,  and  ask  each 
other  what  Books  they  liked,  and 
make  it  something  on  the  order  of  a 
Salon.  This  Plan  miscarried,  because 
all  the  Men  wanted  to  hear  Rag  Time 
played  by  Josephine,  the  Life-Saver. 
Josephine  had  to  yield,  and  the  Men 
all  clustered  around  her  to  give  their 
Moral  Support.  After  one  or  two 
Selections,  they  felt  sufficiently  Keyed 
to  begin  to  hit  up  those  low-down 
Songs  about  Baby  and  Chickens  and 
Razors.  No  one  paid  any  Attention 
to  the  Lady  President,  who  was  off 
in  a  Corner  holding  an  Indignation 


THE  NIGHT    THE   MEN   CAME 

Meeting  with   the    Secretary  and   the 
Vice-President. 

When  the  Women  oegan  to  sort  out 
the  Men  and  order  them  to  start  Home 
and  all  the  Officers  of  the  Club  were 
giving  Josephine  the  frosty  Good  Night, 
any  one  could  see  that  there  was  Trouble 
ahead. 

Next  Day  the  Club  held  a  Special 
Session  and  expelled  Josephine  for 
Conduct  Unbecoming  a  Member,  and 
Josephine  sent  Word  to  them  as  follows  : 
«  Rats." 

Then  the  Men  quietly  got  together 
and  bought  Josephine  about  a  Thousand 
Dollars'  Worth  of  American  Beauty 
Roses  to  show  that  they  were  With  her, 
and  then  Homes  began  to  break  up, 
and  somebody  started  the  Report  that 
anyway  it  was  the  Lady  President's 
83 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Fault  for  having  such  a  long  and  pokey 
Essay  that  wasn't  hers  at  all,  but  had 
been  Copied  out  of  a  Club  Paper  pub- 
lished in  Detroit. 

Before  the  next  Meeting  there  were 
two  Factions.  The  Lady  President 
had  gone  to  a  Rest  Cure,  and  the  Meet- 
ing resolved  itself  into  a  Good  Cry  and 
a  general  Smash-Up. 

MORAL  :  The  only  Literary  Men  are 
those  who  have  to  Work  at  it. 


THE  FABLE  OF  WHY  ESSIE'S  TALL 
FRIEND  GOT  THE  FRESH  AIR 

THE  Owner  of  a  Furnishing 
Store  gave  employment  to  a 
Boy  with  Dreamy  Eyes,  who 
took  good  care  of  his  Nails  and  used 
Scented  Soap  and  carried  a  Pocket 
Looking-Glass.  It  was  his  Delight  to 
stand  in  the  Doorway  and  watch  the 
Girls  all  Color  Up  when  they  caught 
Sight  of  him.  He  was  said  to  be  a 
Divine  Waltzer  at  these  Balls  that 
cost  the  Gents  50  cents  eaeh  and  the 
Ladies  get  in  free. 

There  was  a  Girl  named  Essie  who 
was  Hanging  Around  the  Front  of  the 
Store  about  half  of  the  Time,  waiting 
85 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

to  get  a  Chance  to  Speak  to  Bert.  She 
Chewed  Gum  and  kept  her  Sailor  Hat 
pulled  down  to  her  Eyebrows  and  had 
her  Name  worked  out  in  Wire  and 
used  it  as  a  Breastpin.  After  she  had 
waited  an  Hour  or  so,  and  he  had 
Broken  Away  long  enough  to  take  her 
aside,  she  would  want  to  know  what  it 
was  that  Net  had  said  about  her,  or 
else  she  would  ask  why  he  had  not 
Answered  her  Note.  It  was  always 
just  about  as  Momentous  as  that. 

If  Essie  did  not  come,  she  sent  some 
one  with  a  Message,  and  sometimes 
other  Floor  Managers  with  Red  Neck- 
ties and  Forelocks  would  come  in  to 
see  about  the  Arrangements  for  the 
next  Grand  Hop  by  the  Eucalyptus 
Pleasure  Club. 

Bert  was  so  Engrossed  with  his  Love 

86 


ESSIE 
87 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

. 

Affairs  and  the  Pleasure  Club  and  the 
Bundle  of  Correspondence  that  he  car- 
ried with  him  that  he  had  little  Time 
for  Furnishing  Goods.  It  used  to 
Annoy  him  considerably  when  any  one 
came  in  and  wanted  to  Spend  Money. 
He  would  set  out  the  Goods  in  a  Man- 
ner that  showed  it  to  be  something  of  a 
Come- Down  for  him  to  be  compelled 
to  Wait  on  Outsiders.  While  the 
Customer  would  be  asking  Questions, 
Bert  would  be  working  the  Flexible 
Neck  to  see  if  Essie  was  still  waiting 
for  him.  Sometimes  when  there  was  a 
Rush  he  would  get  real  Cross,  and  if 
People  did  not  Buy  in  a  Hurry  he 
would  slam  the  Boxes  around  and  be 
Lippy  and  give  them  the  Eye.  Yet 
he  wondered  why  he  did  not  get  a  Raise 
in  Salary. 

88 


ESSIE'S   TALL   FRIEND 


During  the  Holiday  Season,  when 
the  Eucalyptus  Pleasure  Club  was  sim- 
ply in  a  Delirium  of  All-Night  Dances 
and  Fried-Oyster  Suppers,  and  when 
Essie  had  worn  a  Path  in  the  Snow 
coming  down  to  tell  Bert  not  to  Forget, 
the  Proprietor  decided  that  the  Boy's 
Job  was  interfering  with  his  Gaiety.  So 
when  Bert  came  to  get  his  Envelope 
the  Furnisher  told  him  he  needed  more 
Outdoor  Life  and  Exercise,  and  he  had 
better  find  it  by  moving  around  Town 
and  looking  for  another  Job. 

MORAL  :     Omit  the  Essie  Proposition. 


89 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  MICHIGAN 
COUNTERFEIT  WHO  WASN'T 
ONE  THING  OR  THE  OTHER 

TWO  Travelers  sat  in  a  Sleeping 
Car   that   was   fixed   up   with 
Plush  and  Curly-Cues  until  it 
resembled  a  Chambermaid's  Dream  of 
Paradise.     They  were  talking  about  the 
Man  who  sat  across  the  Aisle. 

"I  think  he  is  an  Englishman,"  said 
the  First  Traveler. 

"Why  do  you  think  so?"   queried 
his  Companion. 

u  Well,  in  the  first  place  his  Clothes 
don't  fit  him,"  replied  the  First  Trav- 
eler.   "  I  observe,  also,  that  he  has  piled 
all   his    Luggage   on    Another    Man's 
91 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Scat,  that  he  has  opened  several  Win- 
dows without  asking  Permission,  that 
he  has  expected  the  Porter  to  pay  At- 
tention to  him  and  nobody  else,  and  that 
he  has  Kicked  at  something  every 
Thirty  Seconds  since  we  left  Buffalo." 

"  You  make  out  a  Strong  Case,"  said 
the  Second  Traveler,  nodding.  "I  will 
admit  that  the  Suit  is  Fierce.  Still,  I 
maintain  that  he  is  not  an  Englishman. 
I  notice  that  he  seems  somewhat 
Ashamed  of  his  Clothes.  Now,  if  he 
were  an  Englishman,  he  would  Glory  in 
the  Misfit." 

"Perhaps  he  is  a  Canadian,"  sug- 
gested the  First  Traveler. 

"Impossible,"  said  the  other.    "He 

may  be  English,  but  he  is  not  sufficiently 

British  to  be  a  Canadian.     If  he  were  a 

Canadian    he   would    now   be    singing 

92 


PULLMAN    CAR 
93 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

*  Britannia  Rules  the  Wave ! '  No,  I  in- 
sist that  he  is  an  American  traveling 
Incog.  I  suspect  that  I  have  Caught 
him  with  the  Goods.  While  sitting 
here,  I  have  had  my  Sherlock  Holmes 
System  at  work.  A  few  Moments  ago 
he  read  a  Joke  in  a  Comic  Paper,  and 
the  Light  of  Appreciation  kindled  in 
his  Eye  before  a  full  Minute  had 
elapsed." 

"Perhaps  it  was  not  a  Comic  Paper 
at  all,"  said  the  First  Traveler.  "It 
may  have  been  Punch.  Very  often  an 
Englishman  will  Get  Next  almost  im- 
mediately if  the  Explanation  is  put  in 
Parenthesis.  You  have  to  Hand  it  to 
him  with  a  Diagram  and  a  Map  and 
then  give  him  a  little  Time,  and  then 
he  Drops.  This  man  is  certainly  an 
Englishman.  Notice  the  Expression 

94 


THE   MICHIGAN   COUNTERFEIT 

of  Disapproval.  He  does  not  fancy 
our  Farm  Scenery.  Get  onto  the 
Shoes,  too.  They  are  shaped  like 
Muffins.  Then  if  you  are  still  in 
Doubt,  pay  attention  to  the  Accent. 
Didn't  you  hear  him  just  now  when  he 
was  complaining  to  the  Porter  because 
the  Sun  was  on  the  wrong  side  of  the 
Car?" 

''Yes,  but  did  you  hear  him  use 
'CahnV  and  c Glass'  both  in  the  same 
Sentence?  When  a  Man  Plays  it  Both 
Ways,  it  is  a  Sign  that  he  was  born  in 
Wisconsin  and  attended  Harvard.  I 
am  convinced  that  he  is  not  an  English- 
man at  all.  He  is  probably  an  Ameri- 
can who  takes  a  Bahth  in  a  Bath-Tub." 

But  the  First  Traveler  persisted  that 
surely  the  Man  across  the  aisle  was  an 
Englishman,  so  they  Jawed  back  and 

95 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

forth  and  finally  made  a  Bet.  Then  the 
First  Traveler  stepped  over  and  begged 
the  Stranger's  Pardon  and  asked  him, 
as  a  personal  favor,  to  Identify  himself. 
Was  he  an  Englishman  or  an  American  ? 
"Really,  that  is  a  Hard  Question  to 
answer,"  said  the  Surprised  Stranger. 
"  I  confess  with  some  Mortification  that 
Father  was  an  American,  but  he  wore 
Detachable  Cuffs  and  talked  about  Live 
Stock  at  the  Table,  so  the  Heirs  are 
trying  to  Forget  him.  As  nearly  as  we 
can  learn,  one  of  my  Ancestors  came  to 
this  Country  from  Yorkshire  early  in 
the  Eighteenth  Century  and  founded  a 
Tannery  in  Massachusetts,  so  I  feel 
that  I  can  claim  an  English  Birthright, 
regardless  of  the  intervening  Ancestors. 
My  Claim  is  strengthened  by  the  Fact 
that  our  Family  has  a  Regular  Coat-of- 
96 


ANCESTOR 
97 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Arms.  Everybody  had  forgotten  about 
it  for  over  Seven  Hundred  Years  until 
Sister  and  I  hired  a  Man  to  find  it. 
Sister  is  now  Lady  Frost-Simpson  and 
lives  on  the  Other  Side.  When  she 
discovered  his  Lordship  he  was  down  to 
his  last  Dickey.  She  took  him  out 
of  Hock,  and  he  is  so  Grateful  that 
sometimes  he  lets  me  come  and  Visit 
them.  I  have  seen  the  Prince." 

"Then  you  are  an  Englishman?" 
queried  the  Traveler  who  had  Bet  that 
way. 

"  It  is  not  admitted  in  London,"  was 
the  sorrowful  Reply.  "  Sometimes  if 
Frost-Simpson  has  to  come  Home  for 
Money  while  I  am  visiting  Sister,  he 
puts  me  up  at  the  Clubs  and  all  the 
Chaps  seem  to  think  I  am  an  Ameri- 
can. I  try  to  be  exactly  like  them,  but 
98 


I  fail.  They  say  I  have  an  Accent, 
although  I  have  been  working  all  my 
Life  to  overcome  it.  I  have  not  used 
the  word  'Guess'  for  many  Years." 

"  Yours  is  a  Sad  Case,"  remarked  the 
Second  Traveler.  "  Why  do  you  ever 
come  back  ? " 

"To  collect  my  Income,"  was  the 
Reply.  "Isn't  it  a  Bore?  Rents  and 
all  that  sort  of  Rot,  you  know." 

"  But  you  have  not  settled  the  Bet," 
said  one  of  the  Persistent  Travelers. 
"  Are  you  a  Yankee  ?  " 

"  I  have  never  Admitted  it,  and  I 
cannot  do  so  now/'  said  the  Brother-in- 
Law  of  Lord  Frost-Simpson.  ''At  the 
same  time,  it  is  on  Record  that  I  was 
born  at  Pontiac,  Michigan.  Of  course, 
you  know  What  I  am  Striving  to  be. 
But  there  must  be  a  Handicap  some- 

99 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

where.  During  the  Two  Hundred 
Yeats  in  which  my  Ancestors  temporarily 
resided  in  the  States,  they  must  have 
absorbed  some  of  the  Characteristics  of 
this  Uncouth  and  Vulgar  People,  and 
*s  a  Result  the  Sins  of  the  Father  are 
visited  upon  the  Child  even  to  the  third 
and  fourth  Generations,  and  I  cannot 
hold  a  Monocle  in  my  Eye  to  save  my 
Life.  I  live  Abroad,  and  strive  to 
Forget,  and  work  hard  to  be  just  like 
the  other  Fellows,  but  I  do  not  seem 
to  Arrive.  Even  in  this  Beastly  Coun- 
try, where  the  Imitation  Article  usually 
passes  current  as  the  Real  Thing,  there 
seems  to  be  some  Doubt  as  to  my 
Case,  seeing  that  you  two  Persons  have 
made  this  Bet.  Concerning  the  Bet,  I 
fear  that  I  am  unable  to  Decide  it.  I 
do  not  know  What  I  am." 

IOO 


THE   MICHIGAN   COUNTERFEIT 

"  I  know  What  you  are,"  said  the 
First  Traveler,  "but  I  do  not  dare  to 
tell  you  right  here  in  the  Car,  because 
the  Pullman  Company  has  a  Rule 
against  the  use  of  such  Language." 

So  they  declared  the  Bet  off  and 
went  forward  and  sat  in  the  Day  Coach. 

MORAL  :  Be  Something. 


101 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  ADULT  GIRL 
WHO  GOT  BUSY  BEFORE  THEY 
COULD  RING  THE  BELL  GATHER 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was 
a  Lovely  and  Deserving  Girl 
named  Clara,  who  was  getting 
so  near  Thirty  that  she  didn't  want  to 
Talk  about  it.    Everybody  had  a  Good 
Word  for  her.     She  traveled  with  the 
Thoroughbreds,  and  was  always  Among 
Those  Present;  so  it  was  hard  to  under- 
stand why  she  hadn't  Married.     Other 
Girls  not  as  Good- Looking  or  Accom- 
plished had  been  grabbed  off  while  they 
were    Buds.     Already    some    of   them 
were   beginning   to   act   as    Chaperons 
for  Clara.     They  were  keeping  Tab  on 
103 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Clara's  Age,  too,  and  began  to  think 
that  she  would  land  on  the  Bargain 
Counter,  and  have  to  be  satisfied  with  a 
Widower  who  wore  a  Toupee  and  dyed 
his  Eyebrows. 

Clara  was  somewhat  of  a  Mind- 
Reader.  She  knew  that  the  Friends 
of  her  Youth  were  predicting  a  Hard 
Finish  for  her,  so  she  decided  to  Fool 
them.  And  she  knew  that  it  Behooved 
her  to  Catch  On  before  the  Children 
started  in  to  call  her  Auntie. 

Now  it  is  not  to  be  inferred  that  Clara 
was  what  the  Underwriters  call  a  Bad 
Risk.  She  never  had  been  a  Drug  on 
the  Market.  When  she  went  to  a  Hop 
she  did  not  have  to  wait  for  Ladies' 
Choice  in  order  to  swing  into  the  Mazy. 
In  fact,  she  had  been  Engaged  now  and 
then,  just  for  Practice,  and  she  had  re- 
104 


THE  ADULT   GIRL 


ceived  Offers  from  some  of  the  hold- 
over Bachelors  who  went  around  Pro- 
posing from  Force  of  Habit.  But  Clara 
was  not  out  for  any  man  who  had  been 
Turned  Down  elsewhere.  She  wanted 
the  Right  Kind,  and  she  was  going  to 
do  the  Picking  herself. 

Having  made  an  Inventory  of  the 
Possibilities,  she  selected  the  Treasurer 
of  the  Shoe  Factory,  and  decided  that 
she  could  Love  him  without  Straining 
herself.  He  was  about  her  age,  and  was 
almost  as  good-looking  as  a  Gibson 
Man,  and  had  Ai  Prospects.  It  would 
be  no  Easy  Job  to  Land  him,  however, 
because  the  Competition  was  very  keen 
and  he  was  Wary,  trying  to  be  a  Kind 
Friend  to  every  Girl  he  knew,  but  play- 
ing no  Favorites.  He  kept  the  Parents 
guessing.  He  had  been  Exposed  to 
105 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Matrimony  so  often  without  being 
Taken  Down,  that  he  was  generally  re- 
garded as  an  Immune. 

Clara  got  Busy  with  herself  and 
hatched  a  Scheme.  When  all  the  Smart 
Set  got  ready  to  pike  away  for  the 
Heated  Term,  Clara  surprised  her 
Friends  by  guessing  that  she  would  re- 
main at  Home.  It  was  a  Nervy  Thing 
to  do,  because  all  the  Social  Head- Lin- 
ers who  could  command  the  Price  were 
supposed  to  flit  off  to  a  Summer  Hotel, 
and  loiter  on  the  Pine  Veranda  and  try 
to  think  they  were  Recuperating. 

Clara  told  her  Mother  to  go,  as  usual, 
but  she  would  stay  at  Home  and  be  a 
Companion  to  poor  lonesome  Papa.  So 
all  the  Women  went  away  to  the  Re- 
sorts with  their  Cameras  and  Talcum 
Powder  and  Witch  Hazel,  and  Clara 

106 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

was  left  alone  in  Town  with  the 
Men. 

It  is  a  Traditional  Fact  that  there  is 
no  Social  Life  in  Town  during  the  Dog 
Days.  But  there  is  nothing  to  prevent 
a  Bright  Girl  from  Starting  Something. 
That  is  what  Clara  did. 

She  stocked  up  the  Refrigerator,  and 
hung  a  Hammock  on  the  Lawn  with  a 
few  Easy  Chairs  around  it.  The  Young 
Men  marooned  in  Town  heard  of  the 
Good  Thing,  and  no  one  had  to  tear 
their  Garments  to  induce  them  to  come. 
They  arrived  at  the  rate  of  from  Seven 
to  Twelve  a  Night,  and  dipped  into 
Papa's  Cigars  and  the  Liquid  Nourish- 
ment, regardless.  Although  Clara  had 
remained  in  town  to  act  as  Companion 
to  Papa,  it  was  noticed  that  when  she 
had  all  the  Company  in  the  Evening, 

108 


THE   ADULT   GIRL 


Papa  either  had  been  Chloroformed  and 
put  to  Bed  or  else  he  had  his  Orders  to 
stay  Under  Cover. 

Clara  did  not  send  for  the  Treasurer 
of  the  Shoe  Factory.  She  knew  better 
than  to  go  out  after  her  Prey.  She 
allowed  him  to  find  his  Way  to  the 
House  with  the  others.  When  he  came, 
she  did  not  chide  him  for  failing  to 
make  his  Party  Call;  neither  did  she 
rush  toward  him  with  a  Low  Cry  of 
Joy,  thereby  tipping  her  Hand.  She 
knew  that  the  Treasurer  of  the  Shoe 
Factory  was  Next  to  all  these  Boarding 
School  Tactics,  and  could  not  be 
Handled  by  the  Methods  that  go  with 
the  College  Students.  Clara  had  en- 
joyed about  ten  years'  Experience  in 
handling  the  Creatures,  and  she  had 
learned  to  Labor  and  to  Wait.  She 
109 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

simply  led  him  into  the  Circle  and  took 
his  Order,  and  allowed  him  to  sit  there 
in  the  Gloaming  and  observe  how 
Popular  she  was.  All  the  men  were 
Scrapping  to  see  who  would  be  Next 
to  sit  in  the  Hammock  with  her.  It 
looked  for  a  while  as  if  Clara  would 
have  to  give  out  Checks,  the  same  as  in 
a  Barber  Shop.  Late  that  night  when 
the  Men  walked  homeward  together, 
they  remarked  that  Clara  was  a  Miser- 
able Hostess,  they  didn't  think. 

Next  Evening  the  Treasurer  of  the 
Shoe  Factory  was  back  on  the  Lawn. 
So  were  all  the  Others.  They  said  there 
was  no  beating  a  Place  where  you  could 
play  Shirt- Waist  Man  under  the  Trees, 
and  have  a  Fairy  Queen  in  White  come 
and  push  Cold  Drinks  at  you  and  not 
have  to  sign  any  Ticket.  They  corn- 
no 


HIGH-SCHOOL  CADET 
in 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

posed  flattering  Songs  about  Clara,  and 
every  time  she  moved  there  was  a  Man 
right  there  with  a  Sofa  Cushion  to  help 
her  to  be  Comfortable. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  Other  Girls  out 
at  the  Summer  Resorts  were  doing  the 
best  they  could  with  these  High  School 
Cadets,  wearing  Tidies  around  their 
Hats,  who  would  rather  go  out  in  a 
Cat-Boat  and  get  their  arms  tanned  than 
remain  on  Shore  and  win  the  Honest 
Love  of  an  American  Girl,  with  a 
String  to  it. 

Clara's  work  about  this  time  was  ever 
so  Glossy.  She  began  by  asking  the 
Treasurer  of  the  Shoe  Factory  to  come 
with  her  to  the  Refrigerator  to  get  out 
some  more  Imported  Ginger  Ale.  All 
the  men  Volunteered  to  help,  and  two 


112 


THE  ADULT   GIRL 


or  three  wanted  to  Tag  along,  but  Clara 
drove  them  back. 

They  were  gone  a  Long  Time,  be- 
cause the  Treasurer  had  to  draw  all  the 
Corks,  and  they  Fussed  around  together 
in  the  Pantry  fixing  up  a  Lunch  for  the 
Boys.  Clara  told  him  how  Strong  and 
Handy  he  was,  until  he  felt  an  increase 
in  his  Chest  Measurement. 

On  successive  evenings  she  had  the 
Treasurer  supervise  all  the  Arrange- 
ments. The  Hired  Girl  had  every 
Evening  off,  because  it  was  so  much 
more  Jolly  to  go  out  and  run  the  place 
yourself.  In  less  than  a  Week  the 
Treasurer  was  giving  Orders  around 
the  House.  She  would  get  him  back 
to  the  Kitchen  and  tie  an  Apron  around 
him  and  ask  what  she  should  do  next. 
She  made  him  out  to  be  the  Only  One 

"3 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

who  could  be  Trusted.  The  others 
were  Company,  but  he  was  like  one 
of  the  Family.  And  although  he  was 
being  Worked  like  Creamery  Butter, 
he  never  Suspected. 

Her  Game  was  to  Domesticate  him 
in  Advance,  and  let  him  have  a  Fore- 
taste of  what  it  is  to  be  Boss  of  your 
own  House,  except  as  to  the  Bills.  The 
Pantry  was  full  of  Home  Delicacies 
such  as  he  couldn't  get  at  the  Hotel, 
and  the  Service  was  the  best  ever.  Clara 
was  right  at  his  Elbow  with  a  Willing 
Smile. 

It  didn't  take  him  long  to  realize  that 
he  was  missing  a  lot  by  remaining  Single. 
He  wondered  why  he  had  been  so  slow 
in  getting  on  to  Clara's  Good  Points. 
Also  he  wondered  if  it  was  any  Open- 
and-Shut  Certainty  when  a  dozen  other 

"4 


THE  ADULT   GIRL 


Men,  some  of  them  Younger  and  more 
Gallus,  were  after  her  in  Full  Cry. 

Clara  had  him  Pulled  In,  Strung  and 
Hung  over  the  side  of  the  Boat. 

Of  course  if  all  the  other  Girls  had 
been  in  Town,  they  would  have  Tumbled 
long  before  it  ran  into  a  Certainty,  and 
probably  they  would  have  formed  a  V 
and  rushed  in  to  break  up  the  Play. 
But  the  other  Girls  were  Far  Away  with 
the  Old  Men  and  the  Seminary  Strip- 
lings. Clara  had  an  Open  Field,  with 
no  need  of  any  Interfering  or  Blocking, 
and  if  she  Fell  Down  it  was  her  own 
Fault.  Besides,  she  had  all  these  other 
Admirers  set  out  as  Decoys  to  prove 
that  if  he  didn't,  somebody  else  might. 

The  Treasurer  of  the  Shoe  Factory 
got  a  large  Rally  on  himself,  and  she 
had  to  Give  In  and  make  a  Promise. 
"5 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

He  loves  to  tell  Callers  how  he  pro- 
posed to  his  Wife  in  the  Kitchen,  and 
he  doesn't  know  to  this  Day  that  she 
was  Expecting  it. 

MORAL  :  As  soon  as  he  begins  to  Fre- 
quent the  Back  Rooms  of  the  House,  meas- 
ure him  for  the  Harness. 


116 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  MAN-GRAB- 
BER WHO  WENT  OUT  OF  HIS 
CLASS 

WHILE   standing  in  front  of 
his  Store,  between  two  Dum- 
mies in  Seersucker  Suits,  one 
of  the  Chosen  People  spotted  a  Good 
Thing  that  resembled  a  Three-Sheet  of 
the  Old  Homestead.      It  was  looking 
up   at  the  Top  Stories  and    bumping 
against    Hydrants     and     Unsurpassed 
Coffee    Bulletins.     The  flip  Yahooda, 
with    the    City  Education  and  Thirty 
Centuries  of  Commercial  Training  to 
back  him  up,  saw  that  here  was  a  Chance 
to  work  off  some  Old  Stock.     So  when 
the  mild  old  Gentleman  with  the  straw- 
«7 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

colored  Sluggers  and  the  Freckles  on 
his  Wrists  came  near  enough,  he  Closed 
with  him  and  told  him  to  come  inside 
and  look  at  a  New  Style  called  the 
McKinley  Overcoat  because  the  Presi- 
dent had  one  just  like  it. 

Uncle  Eck  replied  that  he  did  not 
really  need  an  Overcoat,  as  he  had 
traded  for  one  only  a  few  Seasons  be- 
fore, but  he  was  willing  to  go  in  and 
Look  Around,  and  if  he"  did  not  buy 
anything  he  reckoned  there  wouldn't  be 
any  Hard  Feelings.  Accordingly  he 
walked  straight  into  the  Trap  and  per- 
mitted Mr.  Zangwill  to  show  him  an 
Assortment  of  Shoddy  Garments 
fastened  together  with  Mucilage.  The 
Crafty  Merchant  came  down  from  $38 
to  16.50,  and  showed  him  a  Confiden- 
tial Letter  from  his  Cousin  Sig  to  prove 

118 


THE  TRAPPER 
119 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

that  the  Goods  had  been  Smuggled  in, 
but  old  Peaceful  Valley  refused  to  Bite. 
He  allowed  the  Proprietor  to  talk  him- 
self out,  and  then  he  walked  up  and 
down  the  Counters,  careless-like,  to  see 
what  was  on  the  Shelves,  and  he  did 
some  quiet  Figuring  in  a  Memorandum 
Book  such  as  they  give  away  at  Drug 
Stores.  Before  he  left  he  had  Traded 
20  Acres  of  flinty  Hillside  in  New 
Hampshire  for  the  Clothing  Store,  the 
Mortgage  on  the  Land  to  be  Assumed 
by  the  New  Owner,  and  he  had  $75  to 
Boot  and  an  Agreement  in  Writing. 

The  Hauler-In  is  now  Clerking  and 
trying  to  Hold  Out  enough  to  give  him 
another  Start. 

MORAL:  Lower  Broadway  is  not 
New  England. 


130 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  INVETERATE 
JOKER  WHO  REMAINED  IN 
MONTANA 

THE  Subject  of  this  Fable  started 
out  in  Life  as  a  Town  Cut- 
Up.  He  had  a  keen  Appre- 
ciation of  Fun,  and  was  always  playing 
Jokes.  If  he  wanted  a  few  Gum-Drops 
he  would  go  into  the  Candy  Store  and 
get  them,  and  then  ask  the  Man  if  he 
was  willing  to  take  Stamps.  If  the  Man 
said  he  was,  then  the  Boy  would  stamp 
a  couple  of  times,  which  meant  that  the 
Laugh  was  on  the  Man.  It  was  con- 
sidered a  Great  Sell  in  Those  Parts. 

Or  else  he  would  go  into  a  Grocery 
with  another  tricky  Tad  and  get  some 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Article  of  Value,  and  they  would  pre- 
tend to  Quarrel  as  to  which  should  Pay 
for  it.  One  would  ask  the  Proprietor 
if  he  cared  who  paid  for  it,  and  if  he 
said  he  did  not,  they  would  up  and  tell 
him  to  Pay  for  it  Himself.  This  one 
was  so  Cute  that  they  had  a  little  Piece 
in  the  Paper  about  it. 

Or  they  would  go  and  Purchase  a 
Watermelon  to  be  paid  for  as  soon  as  a 
Bet  was  decided,  and  afterward  it  would 
Develop  that  the  Bet  was  whether  the 
Saw-Mill  would  fall  to  the  East  or  the 
West,  in  case  the  Wind  blew  it  over. 

It  was  Common  Talk  that  the  Boy 
was  Sharp  as  a  Tack  and  Keen  as  a 
Brier  and  a  Natural-Born  Humorist. 

Once  he  sold  a  Calf  to  the  Butcher, 
several  Hours  after  the  Calf  had  been 
struck  by  Lightning.  As  for  ordering 


THE  INVETERATE  JOKER 

Goods  and  having  them  charged  to  his 
Father,  that  was  one  of  the  Slickest 
Things  he  ever  did. 

About  the  time  the  Joker  was  old 
enough  to  leave  Home,  he  traveled  out 
through  the  Country  selling  Bulgarian 
Oats  to  the  Farmers.  When  the  Con- 
tract for  the  Seed  Oats  got  around  to 
the  Bank,  it  proved  to  be  an  iron-clad 
and  double-riveted  Promissory  Note. 
The  Farmer  always  tried  to  get  out  of 
Paying  it,  but  when  the  Case  came  to 
Trial  and  the  Jurors  heard  how  the 
Agent  palavered  the  Hay-Seed  they  had 
to  Snicker  right  out  in  Court.  They 
always  gave  Judgment  for  the  Practical 
Joker,  who  would  take  them  out  and 
buy  Cigars  for  them,  and  they  would  hit 
him  on  the  Back  and  tell  him  he  was  a 
Case. 

123 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

One  Day  the  Joker  had  an  Inspira- 
tion, and  he  had  to  tell  it  to  a  Friend, 
who  also  was  something  of  a  Wag. 

They  bought  a  Cat-Tail  Swamp  re- 
mote from  Civilization  and  divided  it 
into  Building  Lots.  The  Marsh  was 
Advertised  as  a  Manufacturing  Suburb, 
and  they  had  side-splitting  Circulars 
showing  the  Opera  House,  the  Drill 
Factory,  Public  Library,  and  the  Con- 
gregational Church.  Lots  were  sold  on 
the  Instalment  Plan  to  Widows,  Cash- 
Boys,  and  Shirt-Factory  Girls  who 
wanted  to  get  Rich  in  from  fifteen  to 
twenty  Minutes. 

The  Joker  had  a  Lump  of  Bills  in 
every  Pocket.  If  asked  how  he  made 
his  Roll,  he  would  start  to  Tell,  and 
then  he  would  Choke  Up,  he  was  so 


124 


MANUFACTURING   SUBURB 

125 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

full   of    Laugh.     He   certainly   had   a 
Sunny  Disposition. 

Finally  he  went  to  the  State  of  Mon- 
tana. He  believed  he  could  have  a  Sea- 
son of  Merriment  by  depositing  some 
Valuable  Ore  in  a  Deserted  Mine,  and 
then  selling  the  Mine  to  Eastern  Specu- 
lators. While  he  was  Salting  the  Mine, 
pausing  once  in  a  while  to  Control  his 
Mirth,  a  few  Natives  came  along,  and 
were  Interested.  They  were  a  slow 
and  uncouth  Lot,  with  an  atrophied 
Sense  of  Humor,  and  the  Prank  did 
not  Appeal  to  them.  They  asked  the 
Joker  to  Explain,  and  before  he  could 
make  it  Clear  to  them  or  consult  his 
Attorney  they  had  him  Suspended  from 
a  Derrick.  He  did  not  Hang  straight 
enough  to  suit,  so  they  brought  a  Keg 


126 


THE  INVETERATE  JOKER 

of  Nails  and  tied  to  his  Feet,  and  then 
stood  off  and  Shot  at  the  Buttons  on 
the  Back  of  his  Coat. 

MORAL:     Don't  Carry  a  Joke  too  far , 
and  never  Carry  it  into  Montana. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  CRUEL  IN- 
SULT AND  THE  ARRIVAL  OF 
THE  LOVER  FROM  NO.  6 

ONE   Morning  there  came  into 
the  Dining  Room  of  the  Peer- 
less Hotel  at  Welby's  Junc- 
tion an  English  Tourist  and  the  Advance 
Agent  of  the  Mabel  Mooney  Repertoire 
Company. 

They  took  their  Places  at  the  Table 
underneath  a  Chromo  representing  a 
Pyramid  of  Idealized  Fruit.  The  Table 
was  covered  with  Sail  Cloth,  and  in  the 
Center  was  the  Corroded  Caster,  which 
gave  out  a  Sound  similar  to  that  of  the 
Galloping  Horse  in  the  War  Drama 
whenever  any  one  walked  across  the 

Floor. 

129 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

The  English  Traveler  appeared  to 
have  received  Bad  News  from  Home, 
but  he  had  not.  That  was  the  Normal 
Expression.  His  Mustache  was  long 
and  wilted.  Also  the  Weary  Look 
around  the  Eyes.  He  traveled  with 
a  Cowhide  Bag  that  must  have  used 
up  at  least  one  Cow.  The  Clothes  he 
wore  evidently  had  been  cut  from  a 
Steamer  Rug  by  his  Mother,  or  some 
other  Aged  Relative  suffering  from 
Astigmatism.  He  had  been  Sleeping 
in  them. 

As  for  the  Second  Traveler,  he  was 
an  Advance  Agent. 

"  Cheer  Up,"  said  the  Advance  Agent 
to  the  English  Tourist.  "It  may  not 
be  True,  and  if  it  is  True  it  may  be 
for  the  Best." 

The  English  Tourist  made  no  Re- 
130 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

sponse,  fearing  that  his  Fellow-Traveler 
might  be  In  Trade. 

Then  the  One  that  waited  on  the 
Table  did  the  Glide  from  behind  a 
Screen. 

She  was  very  Pale,  up  to  a  certain 
Point. 

Pausing  about  six  feet  from  the  En- 
glish Tourist  she  looked  resolutely  at  a 
Knot-Hole  in  the  Floor  and  said : 

"  Beefsteakliverhamand." 

"  My  Good  Woman,"  said  the  Man 
from  Stoke-on-Tritham,  just  as  if  he 
meant  to  Prorogue  something.  "  I 
should  like  a  Rasher  of  Bacon,  and 
have  it  Jolly  Well  Done." 

"Ain't  got  no  Bacon,"  she  replied, 
feeling  of  her  Brooch. 

"Dyuh  me!     Then    I    should  like 


132 


THE   CRUEL  INSULT 


some  Boiled  Eggs,  and  mind  that  they 
are  Fresh.'* 

"  I'll  give  you  Regular  Aigs,"  she 
said,  lifting  her  Head  proudly,  for  she 
was  no  Serf. 

"Approach  me,  Kit,"  said  the  Ad- 
vance Agent,  with  gentle  Voice. 

"Is  tha-a-at  so-o-o ? "  she  asked.  "I '11 
have  you  know,  Smarty,  my  name  ain't 
Kit.  So  There!" 

"Well,  make  it  Genevieve,"  said  the 
Advance  Agent.  "  Come  close  and 
hold  my  Hand  while  I  give  you  this 
Order.  And  merely  as  one  Friend 
speaking  to  another,  I  want  to  tell  you 
that  the  Blending  under  the  Left  Ear  is 
very  poor,  and  if  you  are  not  careful 
somebody  will  Sign  you  as  a  Spotted 
Girl." 

"My  Mother  was  a  Lady,"  she  said. 
133 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

"  That  being  the  Case,  I  would  like 
to  have  you  go  out  and  Engage  a  nice 
piece  of  Liver  for  me.  And  if  you 
show  yourself  to  be  real  Winsome  and 
Chic  I  may  be  able  to  use  you  with  the 
Troupe." 

"Tea  or  Coffee?" 

"  Don't  tell  me  which  one  you  bring 
and  see  if  I  can  Guess.  And  I  would 
like  some  Actual  Potatoes." 

"  I  suppose,  Sir,  you  think  I  have  no 
Feelings." 

"That  is  none  of  my  Business,"  he 
replied.  "  I  am  merely  passing  through 
your  Beautiful  Little  City." 

"I  wish  Edmund  was  here,"  said 
she. 

"So  do  I,"  assented  the  Advance 
Agent,  promptly.  "  If  he  can  wait  on 
the  Table  I  wish  he  was  here.  Now  see 
134 


ADVANCE  AGENT 
135 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

if  you  can  make  the  Kitchen  in  two 
Jumps." 

"He'd  show  you  if  you  could  get 
Flossy  with  a  Lady,  even  though  she 
Works." 

"  You  are  about  to  lose  your  Tip, 
standing  around  here  trying  to  shoot  it 
back  at  the  Handsome  Guest,"  remarked 
the  Advance  Agent.  "Has  Edmund 
about  finished  his  Fall  Plowing  ?  " 

"  He  don't  do  no  Fall  Plowing,"  was 
the  Bitter  Reply.  "He  Fires  on  Num- 
ber Six." 

At  that  Moment  there  entered  a  Rail- 
road Boy  with  Braid  on  his  Clothes  and 
Coal-Dust  on  his  Neck.  He  removed 
the  Cap  that  had  rested  on  his  flanging 
Ears  and  sat  at  the  Table  with  the  Ad- 
vance Agent  and  the  English  Tourist. 

"  Feed  me  Everything,  with  One  in 
136 


THE  CRUEL  INSULT 


the  Light  to  come  along,"  he  said.  "  If 
any  of  the  Cockroaches  ask  for  me,  tell 
them  I'm  for  all  Night  with  the  Yellow 
Rattlers,  and  laid  out  at  Winona." 

The  English  Tourist  was  holding  his 
Head. 

"  I  guess  you  won't  carry  on  so  Gay 
since  he's  come,"  said  the  Sensitive 
Waitress,  addressing  the  Advance 
Agent. 

"Did  he  Call  you  Down?"  asked 
Edmund,  the  Loving  Fireman,  glanc- 
ing at  the  Advance  Agent. 

"He  used  me  like  I  was  the  Dirt 
under  his  Feet,"  she  replied,  placing 
her  Hand  on  her  Breast  and  biting  her 
Lower  Lip. 

"  Well,  it's  a  Good  Thing,"  said  Ed- 
mund. "  You've  needed  a  few  of  them 
Jolts  ever  since  you  had  your  Hand 
137 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

read  by  the  Gypsy  and  started  to  read 
that  Bertha  Clay  Book.  It's  a  good 
thing  to  have  a  Strong  Josher  come 
along  now  and  then,  just  to  show  you 
Proud  Dolls  how  to  take  a  Joke.  Do 
I  Eat?" 

The  Sensitive  Waitress  hurried  Away, 
feeling  hurt. 

"Overlook  all  the  Phoney  Acting 
by  the  Little  Lady,  Bud,"  said  the 
Fireman  to  the  Advance  Agent.  "She's 
only  twenty-seven." 

Producing  a  small  Note-Book,  the 
English  Traveler  said :  "  Gentlemen, 
I  regard  this  Incident  as  Most  Extraor- 
dinary and  somewhat  Mystifying.  I 
fear  that  I  am  not  sufficiently  acquaint- 
ed with  your  Vernacular  to  grasp  the 
full  Purport  of  what  has  occurred  here. 
Will  you  Explain  it  to  me?" 
138 


WORKING  GIRL 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

"Did  you  notice  the  Ingenue  that 
guaranteed  you  the  Regular  Eggs," 
asked  the  Advance  Agent. 

"  You  mean  the  Young  Woman  who 
was  here  a  moment  ago?" 

"That's  the  Party  !    You  saw  her  ?  " 

"  Certainly." 

"  Now,  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it,  if 
you  promise  not  to  put  it  in  your 
Book." 

"  Really,  you  know,  I  had  intended 
to  Use  it,"  said  the  Traveler. 

"  All  right,  then;  put  it  in,  but  don't 
use  any  Names.  This  is  Under  the 
Rose,  remember.  The  Proud  Work- 
ing Girl  that  was  in  here  just  now  is 
my  Sister." 

And  the  Englishman  was  deeply  Per- 
plexed. 

MORAL  :  Brothers  in  Name  only. 
140 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  LODGE  FIEND, 
AND  THE  DELILAH  TRICK 
PLAYED  BY  HIS  WIFE 

A  WO  MAN  who  had  done  noth- 
ing to  Deserve  it  was  the  Wife 
of  a  Joiner.     He  was  the  K. 
G.  of  one  Benevolent  Order  and  the 
Worshipful    High  Guy  of    something 
else,  and  the   Senior  Warden   of   the 
Sons  of  Patoosh,  and  a  lot  more  that 
she  couldn't  keep  track  of. 

When  he  got  on  all  of  his  Pins  he 
had  Sousa  put  away. 

Night  after  Night  he  was  off  to  a 

Hall  up  a  Dark  Stairway  to  land  some 

Unfortunate  into  the  Blue  Lodge  or  the 

Commandery  or  else  Oyer  the  Hot  Sands. 

141 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

He  carried  at  least  twenty  Rituals  in 
his  Head,  and  his  Hands  were  all 
twisted  out  of  Shape  from  giving  so 
many  different  Grips. 

In  the  Morning  when  he  came  out 
of  the  House  he  usually  found  some 
one  waiting  on  the  Door-Step  to  give 
him  the  Sign  of  Distress  and  work  the 
fraternal  Pan-Handle  on  him.  He 
subscribed  for  the  Magazines  that  were 
full  of  these  sparkling  Chapter  Reports, 
and  after  that,  if  he  had  not  spent  all 
his  money  going  to  Conclaves  and 
Grand  Lodge  Meetings,  he  paid  Dues 
and  Assessments  and  bought  Uniforms. 
He  had  one  Suit  in  particular,  with 
Frogs  and  Cords  and  Gold  Braid  strung 
around  over  the  Front  of  it,  and  then  a 
Helmet  with  about  a  Bushel  of  Red 
Feathers.  When  he  got  into  this  Rig 
142 


THE  LODGE   FIEND 


and  strapped  on  his  Jeweled  Sword 
he  wouldn't  have  traded  Places  with 
Nelson  A.  Miles. 

His  Wife  often  said  that  he  ought 
not  to  leave  her  and  take  up  with  a 
Goat,  and  that  she  could  use  on  Gro- 
ceries some  of  the  Coin  that  he  was 
devoting  to  Velvet  Regalia  and  Em- 
blematic Watch-Charms,  but  he  always 
tried  to  make  it  Right  with  her  by 
explaining  that  he  had  Insurance  in 
most  of  these  Whispering  Organiza- 
tions, so  that  she  and  the  Children 
would  come  in  for  a  whole  Wad  of 
Money.  The  Wife  thought  it  was  too 
long  to  wait.  He  seemed  to  be  in  a 
Fair  Way  to  live  another  Century  and 
keep  on  paying  Assessments. 

There  was  no  use  in  Arguing  with 
him.  When  a  Man  gets  to  be  a  con- 
ns 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

firmed  Joiner  he  is  not  Happy  unless 
he  can  get  into  an  unlighted  Room  two 
or  three  Nights  a  Week,  and  wallop 
the  Neophyte  with  a  Stuffed  Club,  and 
walk  him  into  a  Tub  of  Water,  and 
otherwise  Impress  him  with  the  Solem- 
nity of  the  Ordeal. 

The  real  Joiner  loves  to  sit  up  on  an 
elevated  Throne,  wearing  a  Bib  and 
holding  a  dinky  Gavel,  and  administer 
a  blistering  Oath  to  the  Wanderer  who 
seeks  the  Privilege  of  helping  to  pay 
the  Rent. 

To  a  Man  who  does  not  cut  very 
many  Lemons  around  his  own  House, 
where  they  are  Onto  him,  it  is  a  great 
Satisfaction  to  get  up  in  a  Lodge  Hall 
and  put  on  a  lot  of  Ceremonial  Dog, 
and  have  the  Members  kneel  in  front 


i44 


THE  JOINER 
HS 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

of  him  and  Salute  him  as  the  Exalted 
Sir  Knight. 

You  take  a  Man  who  is  Plugging 
along  on  a  Salary,  and  who  has  to  an- 
swer the  'Phone  and  wrap  up  Tea  all 
Day,  and  let  him  go  out  at  Night  and 
be  an  Exalted  Sir,  and  it  helps  him  to 
feel  that  he  isn't  such  a  Nine-Spot  after 
all. 

Now  this  particular  Joiner  wanted  to 
be  up  on  a  carpeted  Dais  every  blessed 
Evening,  having  the  Brothers  march  in 
front  of  him  and  give  him  the  High 
Office.  His  Wife,  being  unacquainted 
with  the  Secrets  of  the  Lodge  Room, 
was  unable  to  understand  why  he  was 
so  Fascinated  with  the  Life.  She  was 
exceedingly  Inquisitive  and  often  tried 
to  Pump  him  by  the  most  Artful 
Methods,  but  of  course  he  did  not 
146 


THE  LODGE   FIEND 


dare  to  Divulge  or  his  Right  Arm 
would  have  Withered  and  his  Tongue 
would  have  Cleaved  to  the  Roof  of  his 
Mouth,  and  he  would  have  been  an 
Outcast  on  the  Face  of  the  Earth, 
despised  by  all  other  Members  of  the 
Royal  Tararum.  Now  and  then  he 
Talked  in  his  Sleep,  and  she  caught 
Expressions  in  regard  to  Branding  him 
on  the  Other  Leg  or  putting  him  back 
into  the  Coffin,  and  her  Curiosity  was 
intensified. 

One  day  she  read  in  a  Veracious 
Newspaper  that  if  the  Left  Hand  of 
a  Sleeping  Person  be  immersed  in  Tepid 
Water,  then  the  Sleeper  will  truthfully 
answer  any  Question  that  may  be  asked. 
She  resolved  to  try  it  on  her  Husband, 
She  was  dying  to  know  what  they  Said 
and  Did  at  Lodge  Meetings  that  would 

'47 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

keep  a  Man  away  from  Home  so  many 
Nights  in  the  Week. 

That  Night  after  he  had  come  home 
from  the  Odd  Fellows  and  passed  into 
Slumber  she  crept  out  and  took  a  Low 
Advantage  of  him.  She  slid  his  Left 
Hand  into  a  bowl  of  Warm  Water 
without  arousing  him,  and  he  Gave  Up. 
He  told  all  the  Passwords,  the  Secret 
Mottoes,  the  Oaths,  the  Meaning  of  the 
Symbols  and  the  Unwritten  Work. 
When  he  had  finished  she  had  a  Notion 
to  Ring  for  a  Night  Cab  and  go  Home 
to  her  own  Family,  but  her  Better 
Judgment  prevailed.  She  concluded 
that  she  would  have  to  continue  to  Live 
with  him,  no  matter  what  she  Thought 
of  him. 

She  never  dared  to  tell  that  she 
Knew,  and  he  never  Suspected.  Hus- 
1*8 


THE   LODGE    FIEND 


band  never  guessed  why  it  was  that 
when  he  started  out  for  an  Evening 
with  the  Skeletons  and  the  Candidates 
she  stood  back  and  smiled  at  him  more 
in  Pity  than  in  Anger. 

MORAL  :     It's  a  Good  Thing  they  don't 
Know. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  APPREHEN- 
SIVE SPARROW  AND  HER  DAILY 
ESCAPE 

ONCE  there  was  a  Proper  little 
Female  who  Fluttered  and  was 
interested  in  Movements.  She 
was  born  the  Year  that  Fremont  ran 
against  Buchanan.  All  she  knew  about 
Spooning  was  what  she  had  Read  in  Ella 
Wheeler  Wilcox.  Time  and  again  she 
said  that  if  a  Man  ever  attempted  to 
Take  Liberties  with  her,  she  knew  she 
would  Die  of  Mortification.  At  Last 
Reports  she  was  Living,  but  she  had 
Courted  Death  at  least  Fifteen  Hun- 
dred Times. 

If  a  Strange   Man  came  up  behind 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

her  while  she  was  walking  Homeward 
in  the  Dusk,  she  always  gave  a  Timid 
Glance  behind  and  Hurried,  suspecting 
that  he  would  Overtake  her  and  seize 
her  by  both  Wrists  and  tell  her  not  to 
Scream.  She  would  reach  her  own  Door 
and  lean  against  it,  almost  in  a  Swoon, 
and  the  Strange  Man  would  pass  by, 
softly  Humming  to  Himself. 

Occasionally  an  Adventurer  with  Coal- 
Black  Eyes  and  a  Suspicious  Manner 
would  come  and  sit  right  beside  her  in  a 
Car,  evidently  for  some  Purpose,  and  she 
would  close  her  Lips  tightly  and  resolve 
to  do  a  Steve  Brodie  out  of  the  Window 
if  she  saw  his  Hand  slipping  over  toward 
Hers.  Fortunately,  the  man  kept  his 
Eyes  on  the  Sporting  Page  and  made 
no  Move. 

If  she  happened  to  be  in  the  Waiting - 


&U  U.u.u  u  u  u  LJ 

moo  ooo  on 


THE  SPARROW 

153 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Room  at  the  Station,  and  a  coarse  but 
masterful  Claim  Agent,  or  some  one 
else  equally  Terrifying,  happened  to 
come  across  the  Room  at  her,  she 
could  feel  her  Little  Heart  stand  still, 
and  she  would  say,  "  This  is  where  I 
get  it."  After  he  had  gone  past,  on  his 
way  to  the  Check -Room,  she  would 
put  some  Camphor  on  her  Handker- 
chief and  declare  to  Goodness  that 
never  again  would  she  start  out  to 
Travel  unless  she  had  some  Older  Per- 
son with  her. 

More  than  once  when  she  was  at 
Home,  with  only  a  few  other  Persons 
around  the  House,  she  saw  a  Large 
Man  come  up  the  Front  Steps,  and  she 
would  be  Frozen  with  Terror,  and  could 
see  herself  being  lifted  into  a  Closed 
Carriage  by  the  Brutal  Confederates. 
154 


THE  APPREHENSIVE   SPARROW 

She  would  slip  a  Pair  of  Scissors  under 
her  Apron  and  creep  to  the  Front  Door, 
prepared  to  Resist  with,  all  her  Girlish 
Strength,  and  the  Man  would  have  to 
talk  to  her  through  the  Door,  and  ask 
where  they  wanted  the  Coal  delivered. 

Now  and  then  a  Caller  would  find  her 
Reviving  herself  with  a  Cup  of  Tea. 

The  Caller  would  say:  "Madge, 
Child,  you  are  as  Pale  as  a  Ghost." 

Madge  would  reply:  "Oh,  I  have 
just  had  such  a  Turn!  I  was  out  water- 
ing the  Nasturtiums,  when  a  Man  in  a 
Crash  Suit  came  along  the  Street  and 
looked  right  at  me.  The  Gate  was  open, 
and  there  was  nothing  to  prevent  him 
from  coming  right  in  and  Getting  me." 

The  Appalled  Visitor  would  want  to 
know  what  became  of  him,  and  Madge 
would  explain  that  he  turned  at  the 
155 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Next    Corner,    and   she    had    been   as 
Weak  as  a  Cat  ever  since. 

On  her  Shopping  Expeditions  she 
noticed  Dozens  of  Men,  apparently 
Trailing  right  along  after  her,  and  she 
knew  that  her  only  Salvation  was  to 
look  straight  ahead  and  indicate  by  her 
Bearing  that  she  was  no  Flirt.  By  so 
doing  she  eluded  many  a  one  who 
wanted  to  Catch  Step  with  her  and 
begin  a  Conversation. 

The  Collected  Stories  of  her  Success- 
ful but  Hair-Breadth  Escapes  from 
Men  of  the  World,  who  seemed  to 
Forget  that  all  Women  were  not  Alike, 
would  have  filled  a  Volume  bigger  than 
the  Family  Medicine  Book. 

Happily,  no  one  ever  went  Quite  So 
Far.  She  invariably  Escaped. 

MORAL:     Don't  Worry. 
156 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  REGULAR 
CUSTOMER  AND  THE  COPPER- 
LINED  ENTERTAINER 

ONE  day  the  Main  Works  of  a 
Wholesale  House  was  Jacking 
Up  the  Private  Secretary  and 
getting  ready  to  close  his  desk  for  the 
Day,  when   in   blew   a   Country  Cus- 
tomer.    The    Head    of   the   Concern 
would  have  given  Seven  Dollars  if  he 
could  have  got  out  and  caught  the  Ele- 
vated   before    the   Country    Customer 
showed  up.     However,  he  was  Politic, 
and  he  knew  he  must  not  throw  down 
a  Buyer  who  discounted  his  Bills  and 
was  good  as  Old  Wheat.     So  he  gave 
a  Correct  Imitation   of  a  Man  who  is 
'57 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

tickled  nearly  to  Death.  After  calling 
the  Country  Customer  "Jim,"  he  made 
him  sit  down  and  tell  him  about  the 
Family,  and  the  Crops,  and  Collections, 
and  the  Prospects  for  Duck-Shoot- 
ing. Then,  selecting  an  opportune 
moment,  he  threw  up  Both  Hands.  He 
said  he  had  almost  forgotten  the  Vestry 
Meeting  at  Five  O'clock,  and  going 
out  to  Dinner  at  Six-Thirty.  He  was 
about  to  Call  Off  the  Vestry  Meeting, 
the  Dinner,  and  all  other  Engagements 
for  a  Week  to  come,  but  Jim  would 
not  Listen  to  it.  As  a  Compromise 
the  Head  of  the  Concern  said  he  would 
ask  their  Mr.  Byrd  to  take  charge  of 
the  Country  Customer.  They  could 
surely  find  some  Way  of  putting  in  the 
Eveiing.  He  said  the  Oratorio  Club 
wa?  going  to  sing  at  Music  Hall,  and 
158 


THE   REGULAR    CUSTOMER 

also  there  was  a  Stereopticon  Lecture 
on  India.  Jim  said  he  would  prefer 
the  Stereopticon  Show,  because  he  loved 
to  look  at  Pictures. 

The  Head  of  the  Concern  said  that 
the  Country  Customer  would  be  sure 
to  like  their  Mr.  Byrd.  Everybody 
liked  Byrd.  His  Full  Name  was  Mr. 
Knight  Byrd. 

He  pushed  on  a  few  Buttons  and 
blew  into  several  snaky  Tubes  and  put 
the  whole  Shop  on  the  Jump  to  find 
Mr.  Byrd.  The  latter  happened  to  be 
in  a  Rathskeller  not  far  away.  When 
he  heard  that  there  was  Work  to  be 
done  in  his  Department  he  brushed 
away  the  Crumbs  and  Hot-Footed  up 
to  see  the  Boss. 

In  presenting  Mr.  Byrd  to  the  Coun- 
try Customer  the  Head  of  the  Concern 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

laid  it  on  with  a  Shovel.  He  said  that 
Jim  Here  was  his  Friend,  and  the 
House  considered  it  an  Honor  to  En- 
tertain him.  The  Country  Customer 
sat  there  feeling  Sheepish  and  Unworthy 
but  a  good  deal  Puffed  Up  just  the 
same.  Then  the  Head  of  the  Firm 
made  his  Escape  and  the  Country  Cus- 
tomer was  in  the  Hands  of  Mr.  Byrd. 
Mr.  Byrd  was  known  in  the  Estab- 
lishment as  the  Human  Expense  Ac- 
count. No  one  had  ever  accused  him 
of  being  a  Quitter.  He  was  supposed 
to  be  Hollow  inside.  Whenever  any 
Friend  of  the  Firm  showed  up,  Mr. 
Byrd  was  called  upon  to  take  charge  of 
him  and  Entertain  him  to  a  Stand-Still. 
The  Boss  was  troubled  with  Dyspepsia, 
and  Conscientious  Scruples,  and  a  Grow- 
ing Family,  and  a  few  other  Items  that 
1 60 


THE   REGULAR    CUSTOMER 

prevented  him  from  going  out  at  Night 
with  the  Visiting  Trade.  He  had  it 
arranged  to  give  each  one  of  them  a 
choice  Mess  of  Beautiful  Language  and 
then  pass  him  along  to  Mr.  Byrd. 

Mr.  Byrd  was  a  Rosy  and  Red- 
Headed  Gentleman,  with  a  slight  Over- 
hang below  the  Shirt  Front.  He 
breathed  like  a  Rusty  Valve  every  time 
he  had  to  go  up  a  Stairway,  but  he  had 
plenty  of  Endurance  of  another  Kind. 
For  Years  he  had  been  playing  his 
Thirst  against  his  Capacity,  and  it  was 
still  a  Safe  Bet,  whichever  Way  you 
wanted  to  place  your  Money.  His 
Batting  Average  was  about  Seven 
Nights  to  the  Week.  He  discovered 
that  Alcohol  was  a  Food  long  before 
the  Medical  Journals  got  onto  it. 

Mr.  Byrd's  chief  value  to  the  Whole- 

161 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

sale  House  lay  in  the  Fact  that  he 
could  Meet  all  Comers  and  close  up 
half  the  Places  in  Town,  and  then  show 
up  next  Morning  with  a  Clean  Collar 
and  a  White  Carnation,  and  send  in 
word  to  lead  out  another  Country  Cus- 
tomer. 

Mr.  Byrd's  first  Move  was  to  take 
Jim  to  a  Retreat  that  was  full  of  Stat- 
uary and  Paintings.  It  was  owned  by 
a  gray-haired  Beau  named  Bob,  who 
was  a  Ringer  for  a  United  States  Sena- 
tor, all  except  the  White  Coat.  Bob 
wanted  to  show  them  a  new  Tall  One 
called  the  Mamie  Taylor,  and  after 
they  had  Sampled  a  Couple  Jim  said  it 
was  all  right  and  he  believed  he  would 
take  one.  Then  he  told  Bob  how 
much  he  had  taken  in  the  Year  before 
and  what  his  Fixtures  cost  him,  and  if 
162 


THE   REGULAR   CUSTOMER 

anybody  didn't  think  he  was  Good 
they  could  look  him  up  in  Bradstreet 
or  Dun,  that  was  all.  He  said  he  was 
a  Gentleman,  and  that  no  Cheap  Skate 
in  a  Plug  Hat  could  tell  him  where  to 
Get  Off.  This  last  Remark  was  in- 
tended for  an  inoffensive  Person  who 
had  slipped  in  to  get  a  Rhine  Wine 
and  Seltzer,  and  was  pronging  about 
Forty  Cents'  Worth  of  Lunch. 

They  got  around  Jim  and  Quieted 
him,  and  Mr.  Byrd  suggested  that  they 
go  and  Eat  something  before  they  got 
too  Busy.  The  Country  Customer 
would  not  leave  the  Art  Buffet  until 
Bob  had  promised  to  come  down  and 
Visit  him  sometime.  When  they  got 
into  the  Street  again  the  Country  Cus- 
tomer noticed  that  all  the  Office  Build- 
ings were  set  on  the  Bias,  and  they 
163 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

were  introducing  a  new  style  of  spiral 
Lamp- Post. 

They  dined  at  a  Palm- Garden  that 
had  Padding  under  the  Table  -  Cloth 
and  a  Hungarian  Orchestra  in  the  Cor- 
ner. Mr.  Byrd  ordered  Eleven  Courses, 
and  then  asked  Jim  what  Kind  he  usu- 
ally had  with  his  Dinner.  This  is  an 
Awful  Question  to  pop  at  a  Man  who 
has  been  on  Rain  Water  and  Butter- 
milk all  his  Life.  Jim  was  not  to  be 
Fazed.  He  said  that  he  never  ordered 
any  Particular  Label  for  fear  People 
might  think  he  was  an  Agent.  That 
was  the  Best  Thing  that  Jim  said  all 
Evening. 

Mr.  Byrd  told  the  Waiter  to  stand 

behind  Jim  and  keep  Busy.   When  Jim 

began  to  Make  Signs  that  he  could  not 

Stand  any  more,  the  Entertainer  told 

164 


" HOORAY!   HOORAY!" 
165 


MORE   FABLES    JN  SLANG 

him  to  Inhale  it  and  rub  it  in  his 
Hair. 

Along  toward  Dessert  Jim  was  talk- 
ing in  the  Tone  used  by  Muggsy  Mc- 
Graw  when  he  is  Coaching  the  Man 
who  is  Playing  Off  from  Second.  He 
was  telling  how  much  he  Loved  his 
Wife.  She  would  have  been  Pleased 
to  hear  it. 

Mr.  Byrd  paid  a  Check  that  repre- 
sented One  Month's  Board  down  where 
Jim  lived.  They  fell  into  a  Horseless 
Hansom  and  went  to  see  the  Hity-Tity 
Variety  and  Burlesque  Aggregation  in  a 
new  Piece  entitled  "Hooray!  Hooray!" 
Jim  sat  in  a  Box  for  the  First  Time,  and 
wanted  to  throw  Money  on  the  Stage. 
The  Head  Usher  had  to  come  around 
once  in  a  while  to  ask  him  not  to  let  his 
Feet  hang  over,  and  to  remember  that 

1 66 


THE   REGULAR    CUSTOMER 

the  Company  could  do  all  the  Singing 
without  any  Help  from  him.  Mr.  Byrd 
sat  back  slightly  Flushed  and  watched 
the  Country  Customer  make  a  Show  of 
himself.  It  was  an  Old  Story  to  him. 
He  knew  that  the  quiet  School  Trus- 
tee kind  of  a  Man  who  goes  Home  at 
Sundown  for  3  64  Days  in  the  Year,  with 
the  Morning  Steak  and  a  Roll  of  Read- 
ing Matter  under  his  Arm,  is  the  worst 
Indian  in  the  World  when  he  does  find 
himself  among  the  Tall  Houses  and 
gets  it  Up  his  Nose. 

He  allowed  Jim  to  stand  and  Yell 
when  the  Chorus  struck  the  Grand  Fi- 
nale, and  a  little  later  on,  when  they  had 
chartered  a  low-necked  Carriage  and  Jim 
wanted  to  get  up  and  Drive,  he  Stood 
for  it,  although  he  had  to  make  a  Pretty 


167 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Talk  to  a  couple  of  Policemen  before 
he  landed  Jim  at  the  Hotel. 

If  this  were  a  Novel,  there  would  be 
a  Row  of  Stars  inserted  right  here. 

The  Sun  was  high  in  the  Heavens 
when  the  Country  Customer  opened  his 
Eyes  and  tried  to  Remember  and  then 
tried  to  Forget.  Some  one  was  sitting 
at  his  Bedside.  It  was  Mr.  Byrd,  the 
Long-Distance  Entertainer,  looking  as 
Sweet  and  Cool  as  a  Daisy. 

"  Before  I  give  you  the  Photograph 
of  Myself  which  you  requested  last 
Night,  would  you  care  for  anything  in 
the  way  of  Ice  Water  ?"  he  asked. 

Jim  did  a  sincere  Groan,  and  said  he 
could  use  a  Barrel  of  it. 

"  Did  I  request  a  Photograph  ?  "  he 
asked,  as  he  felt  for  the  Boundaries  of 
his  Head. 

1 68 


JIM 

169 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

"You  did,"  replied  the  Entertainer. 
"And  you  gave  me  your  Watch  as  a 
Keepsake.  I  have  brought  the  Watch 
and  all  the  Money  you  had  left  after 
you  bought  the  Dog." 

"What  Dog?" 

"The  Dog  that  you  gave  to  Bob." 

"  Did  we  go  back  there  again  ?  I  re- 
member the  First  Time." 

"Yes,  it  was  In  There  that  you 
wanted  to  Run  a  Hundred  Yards  with 
any  Man  Present  for  Chalk,  Money,  or 
Marbles." 

"  Where  are  we  now  —  at  the 
Hotel?" 

"Yes,  and  Everything  is  Smoothed 
Over.  The  Night  Clerk  has  agreed  not 
to  swear  out  a  Warrant." 

Jim  did  not  Comprehend,  but  he  was 
afraid  to  Ask. 

170 


THE   REGULAR   CUSTOMER 

"It  may  be  that  I  was  a  mite  Pol- 
luted," he  suggested. 

"  You  were  a  teeny  bit  Pickled  about 
Two,  when  you  tried  to  upset  the  Lunch 
Wagon,  but  I  don't  think  any  one  No- 
ticed it,"  said  Mr.  Byrd. 

"Take  me  to  the  Noon  Train,"  re- 
quested the  Country  Customer.  "Tell 
the  Conductor  where  I  live,  and  send  me 
the  Bills  for  all  that  I  have  Broken." 

"Everything  is  Settled,"  responded 
the  Entertainer.  "  But  why  Tear  your- 
self away  ?" 

"  I  am  Through,"  replied  Jim,  "  So 
why  Tarry?" 

Mr.  Byrd  took  him  to  the  Train  and 
arranged  with  the  Porter  of  the  Parlor 
Car  for  a  Pillow. 

When  the  Country  Customer  arrived 
at  Home  he  accounted  for  the  Eyes  by 
171 


saying  that  the  Night  Traffic  makes  so 
much  Noise  on  these  Hard  Stone  Pave- 
ments, it  is  almost  impossible  to  get  the 
usual  amount  of  Sleep. 

The  Head  of  the  Concern  put  his 
O.  K.  on  a  Voucher  for  $43. 60,  and  it 
occurred  to  him  that  Stereopticon  Lec- 
tures seemed  to  be  Advancing,  but  he 
asked  no  Questions. 

Ever  after  that  Jim  bought  all  his 
Goods  of  this  one  House.  He  had  to. 

MORAL:  Scatter  Seeds  of  Kindness. 


THE  FABLE  OF  LUTIE,  THE  FALSE 
ALARM,  AND  HOW  SHE  FIN- 
ISHED ABOUT  THE  TIME  THAT 
SHE  STARTED 

LUTIE  was  an  Only  Child.  When 
Lutie  was  eighteen  her  Mother 
said  they  ought  to  do  some- 
thing with  Lutie's  Voice.     The  Neigh- 
bors   thought   so,   too.     Some   recom- 
mended killing  the  Nerve,  while  others 
allowed  that  it  ought  to  be  Pulled. 

But  what  Mamma  meant  was  that 
Lutie  ought  to  have  it  Cultivated  by  a 
Professor.  She  suspected  that  Lutie 
had  a  Career  awaiting  her,  and  would 
travel  with  an  Elocutionist  someday  and 
have  her  Picture  on  the  Programme. 
173 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Lutie's  Father  did  not  warm  up  to 
the  Suggestion.  He  was  rather  Near 
when  it  came  to  frivoling  away  the  Na- 
tional Bank  Lithographs.  But  pshaw! 
The  Astute  Reader  knows  what  hap- 
pens in  a  Family  when  Mother  and  the 
Only  Child  put  their  Heads  together  to 
whipsaw  the  Producer.  One  Day  they 
shouldered  him  into  a  Corner  and  ex- 
torted a  Promise.  Next  Day  Lutie 
started  to  Take. 

She  bought  a  red  leather  Cylinder 
marked  "  Music,"  so  that  people  would 
not  take  it  to  be  Lunch.  Every  Morn- 
ing about  9  o'clock  she  would  wave 
the  Housework  to  one  side  and  tear 
for  a  Trolley. 

Her  Lessons  cost  the  Family  about 
twenty  cents  a  Minute.  She  took  them 
in  a  large  Building  full  of  Vocal  Studios. 
174 


THE   FABLE    OF  LUTIE 


People  who  didn't  know  used  to  stop 
in  front  of  the  Place  and  listen,  and 
think  it  was  a  Surgical  Institute. 

There  were  enough  Soprani  in  this 
one  Plant  to  keep  Maurice  Grau 
stocked  up  for  a  Hundred  Years. 
Every  one  thought  she  was  the  Par- 
ticular One  who  would  sooner  or  later 
send  Melba  back  to  Australia  and 
drive  Sembrich  into  the  Continuous. 
Lutie  was  just  about  as  Nifty  as  the 
Next  One. 

When  she  was  at  Home  she  would 
suck  Lemons  and  complain  about 
Draughts  and  tell  why  she  didn't 
like  the  Other  Girls'  Voices.  She 
began  to  act  like  a  Prima  Donna,  and 
her  Mother  was  encouraged  a  Lot. 
Lutie  certainly  had  the  Artistic  Tem- 
perament bigger  than  a  Church  Debt. 
175 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Now  before  Lutie  started  in  to  do 
Things  to  her  Voice  she  occasionally 
Held  Hands  with  a  Young  Man  in 
the  Insurance  Business,  named  Oliver. 
This  Young  Man  thought  that  Lutie 
was  all  the  Merchandise,  and  she  re- 
garded him  as  Permanent  Car-Fare. 

But  when  Lutie  began  to  hang 
out  at  the  Studios  she  took  up  with 
the  Musical  Set  that  couldn't  talk 
about  anything  but  Technique  and 
Shading  and  the  Motif  and  the  Vibrato. 
She  began  to  fill  up  the  Parlor  with  her 
new  Friends,  and  the  first  thing  Oliver 
knew  he  was  in  the  Side  Pocket  and 
out  of  the  Game. 

In  his  own  Line  this  Oliver  was  as 

neat  and  easy-running  as  a  Red  Buggy, 

but  when  you  started  him  on  the  topic 

of  Music  he  was  about  as  light  and 

176 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

speedy  as  a  Steam  Roller.  Ordinarily 
he  knew  how  to  behave  himself  in  a 
Flat,  and  with  a  good  Feeder  to  work 
back  at  him  he  could  talk  about  Shows 
and  Foot-Ball  Games  and  Things  to 
Eat,  but  when  any  one  tried  to  draw 
him  out  on  the  Classics,  he  was  unable 
to  Qualify. 

When  Lutie  and  her  Musical  ac- 
quaintances told  about  Shopan  and 
Batoven  he  would  sit  back  so  quiet 
that  often  he  got  numb  below  the  Hips. 
He  was  afraid  to  move  his  Feet  for  fear 
some  one  would  notice  that  he  was  still 
in  the  Parlor  and  ask  him  how  he  liked 
Fugue  No.  u,  by  Bock.  He  had 
never  heard  of  any  of  these  People,  be- 
cause they  did  not  carry  Tontine  Policies 
with  his  Company. 

Oliver  saw  that  he  would  have  to 
178 


THE   FABLE    OF  LUTIE 


Scratch  the  Musical  Set  or  else  begin  to 
Read  Up,  so  he  changed  his  Route. 
He  canceled  all  Time  with  Lutie,  and 
made  other  Bookings. 

Lutie  then  selected  for  her  Steady  a 
Young  Man  with  Hair  who  played  the 
'Cello.  He  was  so  wrapped  up  in  his 
Art  that  he  acted  Dopey  most  of  the 
time,  and  often  forgot  to  send  out  the 
Laundry  so  as  to  get  it  back  the  same 
Week.  Furthermore,  he  didn't  get  to 
the  Suds  any  too  often.  He  never 
Saw  more  than  $3  at  one  time;  but 
when  he  snuggled  up  alongside  of  a 
'Cello  and  began  to  tease  the  long,  sad 
Notes  out  of  it,  you  could  tell  that  he 
had  a  Soul  for  Music.  Lutie  thought 
he  was  Great,  but  what  Lutie's  Father 
thought  of  him  could  never  get  past  the 
Censor.  Lutie's  Father  regarded  the 
179 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

whole  Musical  Set  as  a  Fuzzy  Bunch. 
He  began  to  think  that  in  making  any 
Outlay  for  Lutie's  Vocal  Training  he 
had  bought  a  Gold  Brick.  When  he 
first  consented  to  her  taking  Lessons  his 
Belief  was  that  after  she  had  practiced 
for  about  one  Term  she  would  be  able 
to  sit  up  to  the  Instrument  along  in 
the  Dusk  before  the  Lamps  were  lit, 
and  sing  "  When  the  Corn  is  Waving, 
Annie  Dear,"  "  One  Sweetly  Solemn 
Thought,"  or  else  "Juanita."  These 
were  the  Songs  linked  in  his  Memory 
with  some  Purple  Evenings  of  the 
Happy  Long  Ago.  He  knew  they 
were  Chestnuts,  and  had  been  called  in, 
but  they  suited  him,  and  he  thought  that 
inasmuch  as  he  had  put  up  the  Where- 
with for  Lutie's  Lessons  he  ought  to 


180 


THE   FABLE    OF  LUT1E 


have  some  kind  of  a  Small  Run  for  his 
Money. 

Would  Lutie  sing  such  Trash?  Not 
she.  She  was  looking  for  Difficult 
Arias  from  the  Italian,  and  she  found 
many  a  one  that  was  Difficult  to  sing, 
and  probably  a  little  more  Difficult  to 
Listen  To. 

The  Voice  began  to  be  erratic,  also. 
When  father  wanted  to  sit  by  the  Stu- 
dent's Lamp  and  read  his  Scribner's, 
she  would  decide  to  hammer  the  Piano 
and  do  the  whole  Repertoire. 

But  when  Mother  had  Callers  and 
wanted  Lutie  to  Show  Off,  then  she 
would  hang  back  and  have  to  be 
Coaxed.  If  she  didn't  have  a  Sore 
Throat,  then  the  Piano  was  out  of 
Tune,  or  else  she  had  left  all  of  her 
Good  Music  at  the  Studio,  or  maybe 

181 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

she  just  couldn't  Sing  without  some 
one  to  Accompany  her.  But  after  they 
had  Pleaded  hard  enough,  and  every- 
body was  Embarrassed  and  sorry  they 
had  come,  she  would  approach  the  Piano 
timidly  and  sort  of  Trifle  with  it  for 
a  while,  and  say  they  would  have  to 
make  Allowances,  and  then  she  would 
Cut  Loose  and  worry  the  whole  Block. 
The  Company  would  sit  there,  every 
one  showing  the  Parlor  Face  and  pre- 
tending to  be  entranced,  and  after  she 
got  through  they  would  Come  To  and 
tell  her  how  Good  she  was. 

She  made  so  many  of  these  Parlor 
Triumphs  that  there  was  no  Holding 
her.  She  had  herself  Billed  as  a  Night- 
ingale. Often  she  went  to  Soirees  and 
Club  Entertainments,  volunteering  her 
Services,  and  nowhere  did  she  meet  a 
182 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Weil-Wisher  who  took  her  aside  and 
told  her  she  was  a  Shine — in  fact,  the 
Champion  Pest. 

No,  Lutie  never  got  out  of  her 
Dream  until  she  made  a  bold  Sashay 
with  a  Concert  Company.  It  was  her 
Professional  Debut. 

Father  fixed  it.  The  Idea  of  any  one 
paying  Real  Money  to  hear  Lutie  sing 
struck  him  as  being  almost  Good  enough 
to  Print.  But  she  wouldn't  be  Happy 
until  she  got  it,  and  so  she  Got  It  right 
where  the  Newport  Lady  wears  the 
Rope  of  Pearls. 

On  the  First  Night  the  mean  old 
Critics,  who  didn't  know  her  Father  or 
Mother,  and  had  never  been  entertained 
at  the  House,  came  and  got  in  the  Front 
Row,  and  defied  Lutie  to  come  on  and 
Make  Good.  Next  Morning  they  said 
184 


THE   FABLE    OF  LUTIE 


that  Lutie  had  Blow-Holes  in  her  Voice; 
that  she  hit  the  Key  only  once  during 
the  Evening,  and  then  fell  off  backward; 
that  she  was  a  Ham,  and  her  Dress 
didn't  fit  her,  and  she  lacked  Stage 
Presence.  They  expressed  Surprise  that 
she  should  be  attempting  to  Sing  when 
any  bright  Girl  could  learn  to  pound  a 
Type- Writer  in  Four  Weeks.  They 
wanted  to  know  who  was  responsible 
for  her  Appearance,  and  said  it  was  a 
Shame  to  String  these  Jay  Amateurs. 
Lutie  read  the  Criticisms,  and  went  into 
Nervous  Collapse.  Her  Mother  was 
all  Wrought  Up,  and  said  somebody 
ought  to  go  and  kill  the  Editors.  Father 
bore  up  grimly. 

Before  Lutie  was  Convalescent  he  had 
the  Difficult  Italian  Arias  carted  out  of 
the  house.     The  'Cello  Player  came  to 
185 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

call  one  Day,  and  he  was  given  Minutes 
to  get  out  of  the  Ward. 

By  the  time  Oliver  looked  in  again 
Lutie  was  more  than  ready  to  pay  some 
Attention  to  him.  She  is  now  doing  a 
few  quiet  Vocalizations  for  her  Friends. 
When  some  one  who  hasn't  Heard  tells 
her  that  she  is  good  enough  for  Opera, 
they  have  to  open  the  Windows  and 
give  her  more  Air. 

MORAL:  When  in  Doubt,  try  it  on  the 
Box-office. 


1 86 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  COTILLON 
LEADER  FROM  THE  HUCKLE- 
BERRY DISTRICT  WITH  THE 
INTERMITTENT  MEMORY 

A  YOUNG  Man  who  had  made 
a   Sudden    Winning,  and   was 
beginning     to     act    as    Shawl- 
Holder  and  Emergency  Errand-Boy  for 
the  Society  Queens,  seemed  to  have  a 
great  deal  of  Trouble  with  his  Memory. 
If  he  met  Any  One  who  had  started 
with  him  a  few  Years  before,  and  who 
used  to   Stake  him  to  a  Meal-Ticket 
now  and  then,  or  let  him  have  a  Scarf- 
Pin  when  he  had  to  go  out  and  make  a 
Front,  he  could  not  appear  to  remem- 
ber the  Man's  Name  or  tell  where  he 
187 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

had  seen  him  before.  When  he  was  in 
a  Loge  at  the  Play-House  with  Exclu- 
sive Ethel  and  her  Friends,  he  might 
look  down  in  the  Parquette  and  see  the 
Landlady  who  had  carried  him  through 
a  Hard  Winter  and  accepted  a  Graceful 
Wave  of  the  Hand  when  she  really 
needed  the  Board  Money,  but  he  found 
it  impossible  to  Place  her.  Even  the 
People  who  came  from  his  own  Town, 
and  who  knew  him  when  he  was  getting 
Five  a  Week  and  wearing  Celluloid 
Cuffs,  and  who  could  relate  the  Family 
History  if  they  wanted  to  Knock,  they 
couldn't  make  him  Remember,  even 
when  they  stopped  him  on  the  Street 
and  recalled  such  Humiliations  as  the 
Time  he  used  to  pick  Cherries  on  the 
Shares,  and  how  Odd  he  looked  in  his 
Brother's  Made-Over  Clothes. 

188 


AFFECTION ATIi   MASSAGE 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

This  Young  Man  buried  the  Dead 
Past  until  his  Memory  was  a  Blank  for 
the  whole  Period  up  to  the  Time  that 
the  President  of  the  Fidelity  National 
invited  him  to  Dinner  and  he  got  his 
first  Peek  at  a  sure-enough  Butler. 

He  had  been  a  Genuine  Aristocrat 
for  about  Eighteen  Months,  when  he 
made  a  Mis-step  and  landed  with  his 
Face  in  the  Gravel.  The  Gigantic  En- 
terprise which  he  had  been  Promoting 
got  into  the  Public  Prints  as  a  Pipe 
Dream.  There  was  no  more  Capital 
coming  from  the  Angels.  He  was  back 
at  the  Post,  with  nothing  to  Show  for 
his  Bold  Dash  except  a  Wardrobe  and 
an  Appetite  for  French  Cooking.  So- 
ciety gave  him  the  Frozen  Face,  and  all 
those  who  had  been  speaking  of  him 
as  a  Young  Napoleon  agreed  that  he 
190 


THE   COTILLON   LEADER 

was  a  Dub.  The  Banks  were  trying  to 
Collect  on  a  lot  of  Slow  Notes  that  he 
had  floated  in  his  Palmy  Days,  and  they 
had  a  Proud  Chance  to  Collect.  He 
went  into  the  Bankruptcy  Court  and 
Scheduled  $73,000  of  Liabilities,  the 
Assets  being  a  Hat- Box  and  a  Set  of 
Theatrical  Posters. 

When  he  had  to  go  out  and  Rustle 
for  a  Job  he  was  a  Busy  Hand-Shaker 
once  more.  The  Blow  seemed  to  have 
landed  right  on  the  Bump  of  Memory, 
and  put  his  Recollecting  Department 
into  full  Operation  again.  He  could 
spot  an  Old  Pal  clear  across  the  Street. 
He  was  rushing  up  to  Obscure  Charac- 
ters that  he  had  not  seen  in  Eight 
Years,  and  he  called  each  one  of  them 
"Old  Man."  It  was  now  their  Turn 
to  do  the  Forgetful  Business.  The 
191 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Tablets  of  his  Memory  read  as  clear  as 
Type-Writing.  Upon  meeting  any 
Friend  of  his  Boyhood  he  did  the 
Shoulder-Slap,  and  rang  in  the  Auld 
Lang  Syne  Gag.  He  was  so  Demo- 
cratic he  was  ready  to  Borrow  from  the 
Humblest.  The  same  Acquaintances 
who  had  tried  to  Stand  In  with  him 
when  Things  were  coming  his  Way, 
were  cutting  off  Street-Corners  and 
getting  down  behind  their  Newspapers 
to  escape  the  Affectionate  Massage, 
beginning  at  the  Hand  and  extending 
to  the  Shoulder-Blade.  It  was  No  Use. 
He  remembered  them  all,  and  no  one 
got  Past  him. 

MORAL:     Don't  begin  to  Forget  until 
you  have  it  in  Government  Bonds. 


192 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  HE-GOSSIP 
AND  THE  MAN'S  WIFE  AND  THE 
MAN 

ONCE  upon  a  time  there  was  a 
He-Gossip     named    Cyrenius 
Bizzy.     Mr.  Bizzy  was  Mid- 
dle-Aged  and  had  a  Set  of  dark  Chin- 
chillas.      He   carried   a    Gold-Headed 
Cane  on    Sunday.     His   Job    on    this 
Earth  was  to  put  on  a  pair  of  Pneu- 
matic  Sneakers    every    Morning    and 
go  out  and  Investigate  Other  People's 
Affairs. 

He  called  himself  a  Reformer,  and  he 

did  all  his  Sleuthing  in  the  line  of  Duty. 

If  he  heard  of  a  Married  Man  going 

out  Cab-Riding  after  Hours  or  playing 

193 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Hearts  for  Ten  Cents  a  Heart  or  put- 
ting a  Strange  Woman  on  the  Car,  he 
knew  it  was  his  Duty  to  edge  around 
and  slip  the  Information  to  some  one 
who  would  carry  it  to  the  Wife.  He 
was  such  a  Good  Man  himself  that  he 
wanted  all  the  other  Men  to  wear  long 
sable  Belshazzars  on  the  Sub-Maxillary 
and  come  to  him  for  Moral  Guidance. 
If  they  would  not  do  it,  the  only  Thing 
left  for  him  to  do  was  to  Warn  their 
Families  now  and  then  and  get  them 
into  Hot  Water,  thus  demonstrating 
that  the  Transgressor  must  expect  Ret- 
ribution to  fall  on  him  with  quite  a 
Crash. 

Sometimes    he  would   get  behind  a 

Board  Fence  to  see  the   Wife    of  the 

Postmaster  break  off  a  Yellow    Rose 

and  pass  it  over  the  Gate  to  the  Super- 

194 


THE  SCANDAL 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

intendent  of  the  High  School.  Then 
he  would  Hustle  out  on  his  Beat  and 
ask  People  if  they  had  heard  the  Talk 
that  was  Going  Around.  Of  course  it 
Grieved  him  to  be  compelled  to  Peddle 
such  Stories,  but  he  had  to  do  it  in  the 
Interests  of  Morality.  If  Folks  did 
not  have  a  Pious  Protector  to  spot 
Worldly  Sin  and  then  get  after  it  with 
a  Sharp  Stick,  the  Community  would 
probably  go  to  the  Dogs  in  less  than 
no  time.  When  he  had  a  Disagreeable 
Task  to  Perform,  such  as  letting  a 
Merchant  know  that  his  Business  Part- 
ner had  been  seen  slightly  Sprung  at  a 
Picnic,  he  always  wished  to  get  through 
with  it  as  quickly  as  possible,  so  usually 
he  Ran.  He  did  not  want  any  one  else 
to  beat  him  there,  because  the  Other 
Fellow  might  not  get  it  Right. 
196 


THE   HE-GOSSIP 


Next  Door  to  Cyrenius  Bizzy  there 
lived  a  Family  that  needed  Regulat- 
ing. Cyrenius  Bizzy  knew  that  he  had 
been  Called  to  do  the  Regulating.  The 
Family  had  too  much  Fun  to  suit  Cy. 
The  Neighbor  never  came  over  to  ask 
Mr.  Bizzy  how  late  they  had  better 
Sit  Up,  or  what  Young  Men  the  Girls 
ought  to  invite  to  the  House.  Cyrenius 
would  have  been  glad  to  fix  up  a  Set 
of  Rules,  for  he  was  a  Bureau  of  Advice, 
open  at  all  Hours.  He  could  tell  People 
just  how  much  Money  they  ought  to 
Save  every  Week,  and  how  often  they 
ought  to  Lick  the  Children,  and  so  on. 
But  the  Family  that  lived  Next  Door 
made  Loud  Sport  of  Mr.  Bizzy,  and 
had  no  use  for  his  Counsel.  They 
played  Authors  right  in  the  Front  Room 
with  the  Curtains  up,  and  they  Danced 
197 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

the  Two-Step  so  that  he  could  be  sure 
to  see  it  from  where  he  was  hidden 
behind  the  Evergreen  Tree,  and  they 
ran  the  Ice-Cream  Freezer  on  Sunday 
Morning,  and  sang  College  Songs  nearly 
every  Evening. 

It  kept  the  He-Gossip  on  the  Go 
most  of  the  time  to  let  the  Neighbor- 
hood know  all  the  Details  of  these  De- 
bauches. It  did  very  little  Good.  The 
Family  did  not  want  to  be  Reformed. 
He  even  wrote  Anonymous  Letters  tell- 
ing them  how  Depraved  they  were. 
They  were  so  Brazen  and  Hardened 
they  paid  no  Attention  except  to  give 
him  the  Rowdy  Hee-Ho  when  they 
saw  him  pottering  around  the  Shrub- 
bery in  his  Front  Yard,  pretending  to 
be  at  Work,  but  really  doing  the  Pin- 


198 


THE  HE-GOSSIP 
199 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

kerton  Act,  and  keeping  one  Ear  spread 
for  a  nice,  juicy  Bit  of  Scandal. 

Mr.  Bizzy  watched  the  Family  at  all 
Hours  of  the  Day  and  Night  for  many 
Months.  Although  convinced  that  they 
were  Children  of  Belial  and  pretty  Hard 
Nuts  in  general,  he  still  hoped  to  Res- 
cue them.  He  wondered  if  he  could 
not  Appeal  to  the  Man's  Wife.  She  was 
a  Daughter  of  Iniquity,  all  right,  but 
maybe  she  might  listen  to  an  Entreaty 
if  it  came  from  one  who  was  Pure,  and 
who  could  point  out  to  her  in  Fatherly 
Kindness  that  she  was  leading  her  Fam- 
ily on  a  Short  Cut  to  the  Weeping  and 
Wailing  and  Gnashing  of  Teeth. 

One  Day  Mr.  Bizzy  got  a  quiet  Tip 

from  another  Moral  Detective,  that  the 

Man  had  stayed  out  until  2  A.  M.,  at  a 

Banquet  given  to  a  Militia  Company, 

200 


THE   HE-GOSSIP 


so  he  knew  it  was  Time  for  him  to  Act. 
He  lay  in  Ambush  until  the  Coast  was 
Clear,  and  then  he  went  across  the 
Dead-Line  and  caught  her  on  the 
Piazza.  She  was  Surprised  to  see  him. 
He  told  her  all  the  Reports  he  had 
heard  about  her  Husband,  and  said  he 
was  Sorry  for  her.  He  wondered  if 
they  couldn't  get  together  a  few  of  the 
Respectable  Men  and  Women  of  the 
Neighborhood,  and  have  a  Talk  with 
the  Husband,  and  try  to  Pluck  him  as 
a  Brand  from  the  Burning.  She  listened 
with  that  Ominous  Calm  which  always 
precedes  the  Iowa  Cyclone  that  takes 
the  Roof  off  the  Court  House  and 
moves  the  Poor  Farm  into  the  Adjoin- 
ing County.  She  said  she  would  take 
her  Husband  aside  and  have  a  Confi- 
dential Chat  with  him,  and  if  he  wanted 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

to  be  Plucked,  then  she  would  call  in 
the  Cyrenius  Bizzy  Association  of 
Pluckers. 

The  He-Gossip  went  Home  feeling 
that  he  was  entitled  to  a  Pedestal  right 
in  between  Savonarola  and  Martin 
Luther. 

When  the  Man  came  Home  his 
Wife  told  him.  He  murmured  some- 
thing about  the  Last  Straw  and  moved 
swiftly  out  of  doors.  Pulling  up  the 
Rover  Stake  from  the  Croquet  Grounds 
as  he  ran,  he  cleared  the  Dividing 
Fence  without  touching  his  Hands  and 
began  to  Clean  House.  In  about  a 
Second  there  was  a  Sound  as  if  some- 
body had  stubbed  his  Toe  and  dropped 
a  Crockery  Store.  Then  Cyrenius  was 
seen  to  Break  the  Record  for  the  Run- 
ning Long  Jump,  off  the  Front  Stoop 


MORE    FABLES    IN  SLANG 

into  an  Oleander  Tub,  while  wearing  a 
Screen  Door.  After  him  came  the 
Worldly  Husband.  For  several  Min- 
utes the  Copse  where  once  the  Garden 
smiled  was  full  of  He-Gossip  and  Cries 
for  Help. 

When  the  Man  came  back  to  where 
his  Wife  stood  with  her  Hand  on  her 
Heart,  he  reported  that  the  He-Gossip 
would  be  found  on  top  of  the  Grape- 
Arbor. 

MORAL:  Any  one  hoping  to  do  Some- 
thing in  the  Rescue  Line  had  better  go 
further  than  Next  Door. 


304 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  AUTHOR 
WHO  WAS  SORRY  FOR  WHAT 
HE  DID  TO  WILLIE 

AN    Author   was   sitting   at   his 
Desk  trying  to  pull  himself 
together  and  grind  out  Any 
Old    Thing   that   could   be   converted 
into  Breakfast  Food.     It  was  his  Off 
Day,  however.     His    Brain    felt   as    if 
some  one  had  played  a  Mean  Trick  on 
him   and  substituted  a  Side-Order  of 
Cauliflower.     All   he  could  do  was  to 
lean  up   against    his   Desk   and    make 
marks  and  Piffle  his  Time  away.     Be- 
tween Scribbles  he  wrote  a  few  Verses 
about,    "When    Willie    Came    to    say 
Good  Night."     It  was  a    Sad    Effort. 
205 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

He  made  it  almost  as  Salty  as  a  Mother 
Song  and  filled  it  with  Papa  and 
Mamma  and  the  Patter  of  Baby  Feet. 
He  used  Love- Light  and  the  Evening 
Prayer  and  the  Heart-Strings  and  other 
venerable  Paraphernalia.  He  had  to 
commit  Infanticide  to  make  it  Weepy 
enough  for  the  last  Stanza.  The  Author 
wrote  this  Stuff  merely  to  Get  Back  at 
himself  and  see  how  Sloppy  he  could 
be.  He  did  not  intend  to  Print  it,  be- 
cause he  was  not  a  Vendor  of  Death- 
Beds,  and  he  shrank  from  making  any 
violent  Assault  on  the  Sensibilities.  So 
he  tossed  the  Idle  Product  into  the 
Waste-Basket  and  wondered  if  he  was 
biginning  to  lose  his  Mind.  With  that 
Poem  in  his  Right  Hand  he  could  have 
walked  into  Bloomingdale  and  no  Ques- 
tions Asked. 

206 


THE  FABLE    OF   THE  AUTHOR 

While  he  was  still  Backing  Up  and 
Jockeying  for  a  Fair  Start  at  his  Day's 
Work,  A  Friend  came  in  and  sat  on 
the  Edge  of  the  Desk,  and  told  him  to 
go  right  ahead  and  not  pay  any  Atten- 
tion. 

Seeing  the  Crumpled  Paper  in  the 
Basket,  the  Friend,  who  was  Inquisitive, 
hooked  it  out  and  read  the  Lines. 
Presently,  when  the  Author  looked  up, 
the  Friend  had  big  Tears  rolling  down 
his  Cheeks  and  was  Sniffling. 

"This  is  the  Best  Thing  you  have 
ever  done,"  said  the  Friend.  "  My 
God,  but  it  is  Pathetic!  It  will  cer- 
tainly Appeal  to  any  one  who  has  lost 
a  Child." 

"I  have  no  desire  to  Manufacture 
any  more  Sorrow  for  the  Bereaved," 
said  the  Author.  "They  have  had 
207 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Trouble  enough.  If  I  have  to  deal  in 
White  Caskets  or  tap  the  Lachrymal 
Glands  in  order  to  thrash  out  an 
Income,  I  will  cease  being  an  Author 
and  go  back  to  Work." 

"But  this  Poem  will  touch  any 
Heart,"  insisted  the  Friend.  "As  soon 
as  I  got  into  it  I  began  to  Cry.  You 
can  get  a  Good  Price  for  this." 

When  it  came  down  to  a  Business 
Basis,  the  Author  Switched. 

"Get  what  you  can  on  it,"  he  said. 
"  It  seems  a  Shame  to  go  and  Market 
that  kind  of  Scroll-Work ;  still  if  it  hits 
you,  it  may  be  Bad  enough  to  affect 
others  having  the  same  Shape  of  Head. 
I  need  the  Money  and  I  have  no 
Shame." 

Thereupon  the  Friend  sent  the  Verses 
to  the  Publisher  of  a  Family  Monthly 
208 


LANTERN  SLIDE 
309 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

that  Percolates  into  every  Postoffice  in 
the  Country.  In  a  few  Days  there 
came  a  tear-stained  Acceptance  and  a 
Check.  The  Author  said  it  was  just 
like  Finding  $22.50,  and  he  thought 
that  was  the  End  of  it. 

But  when  the  Verses  came  out  in  the 
Monthly  he  began  to  get  Letters  from 
all  parts  of  the  United  States  telling 
him  how  much  Suffering  and  Opening 
of  Old  Wounds  had  been  caused  by  his 
little  Poem  about  Willie  and  how  Proud 
he  ought  to  be.  Many  who  wrote  ex- 
pressed Sympathy  for  him,  and  begged 
him  to  Bear  Up.  These  Letters  dazed 
the  Author.  He  never  had  owned  any 
Boy  named  Willie.  He  did  not  so 
much  as  Know  a  Boy  named  Willie. 
He  lived  in  an  Office  Building  with  a 
lot  of  Stenographers  and  Bill  Clerks.  If 


THE   FABLE    OF   THE  AUTHOR 

he  had  been  the  Father  of  a  Boy  named 
Willie,  and  Willie  had  ever  come  to  tell 
him  "  Good  Night "  when  he  was  busy 
at  Something  Else,  probably  he  would 
have  jumped  at  Willie  and  snapped  a 
piece  out  of  his  Arm.  Just  the  Same, 
the  Correspondents  wrote  to  him  from 
All  Over,  and  said  they  could  read  Grief 
in  every  Line  of  his  Grand  Composition. 
That  was  only  the  Get-Away.  The 
next  thing  he  knew,  some  Composer  in 
Philadelphia  had  set  the  Verses  to  Music 
and  they  were  sung  on  the  Stage  with 
colored  Lantern-Slide  Pictures  of  little 
Willie  telling  Papa  "Good  Night"  in  a 
Blue  Flat  with  Lace  Curtains  on  the 
Windows  and  a  Souvenir  Cabinet  of 
Chauncey  Olcott  on  the  What-Not. 
The  Song  was  sold  at  Music  Stores,  and 
the  Author  was  invited  out  to  Private 

211 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

Houses  to  hear  it  Sung,  but  he  was 
Light  on  his  Feet  and  Kept  Away. 

Several  Newspapers  sent  for  his  Pic- 
ture, and  he  was  asked  to  write  a  Sunday 
Article  telling  how  and  why  he  did  it. 
He  was  asked  to  Contribute  Verses  of 
the  same  General  Character  to  various 
Periodicals.  Sometimes  he  would  get 
away  by  himself  and  read  the  Thing 
over  again,  and  shake  his  Head  and 
Remark:  "Well,  if  they  are  Right,  then 
I  must  be  Wrong,  but  to  me  it  is 
Punk." 

He  had  his  Likeness  printed  in  Ad- 
vertisements which  told  the  Public  to 
read  what  the  Author  of"  Willie's  Good 
Night"  had  to  say  about  their  Lithia 
Water.  Some  one  named  a  light,  free- 
smoking  Five-Cent  Cigar  after  him,  and 
he  began  to  see  Weird  Paintings  on  the 

313 


LITTLE  FERN 
313 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Dead  Walls,  and  was  Ashamed  to  walk 
along  those  Streets. 

It  came  out  that  one  of  the  Frohmans 
wanted  to  Dramatize  the  Masterpiece, 
and  it  was  Rumored  that  Stuart  Rob- 
son,  Modjeska,  Thomas  Qi  Seabrooke, 
Maude  Adams,  Dave  Warfield,  and 
Walker  Whiteside  had  been  requested 
to  play  the  Part  of  Willie. 

Every  morning  the  Author  would  get 
up  and  say  to  himself  that  it  could  not 
go  on  much  longer.  He  felt  sure  that 
the  Public  would  come  to  its  Senses 
some  Day,  and  get  after  him  with  a 
Rope,  but  it  didn't.  His  Fame  con- 
tinued to  Spread  and  Increase.  All 
those  Persons  who  had  not  Read  it 
claimed  that  they  had,  so  as  to  be  in 
Line,  and  he  had  the  same  old  Floral 
Tributes  handed  to  him  Day  after  Day. 
214 


THE  FABLE    OF   THE   AUTHOR 

It  was  Terrible.  He  had  gone  to 
College  and  spent  a  large  amount  of 
Money  irrigating  and  fertilizing  his 
Mind,  and  he  had  Dreamed  of  writing 
Something  that  would  be  Strong  enough 
for  Charles  Dudley  Warner's  Library 
of  the  World's  Warmest  Copy,  in  a 
Limited  Edition  of  20,000 ;  but  instead 
of  landing  with  the  Heavy- Weights  he 
seemed  Destined  to  achieve  Greatness  as 
the  Author  of  a  Boy's  Size  Poem,  bear- 
ing about  the  same  Relation  to  the  Liter- 
ature of  the  Ages  that  a  May  Howard 
Window  Hanger  does  to  Pure  Art.  He 
was  Famous  until  he  couldn't  rest,  but 
it  was  not  the  Brand  he  had  Coveted. 

He  decided  to  Live  It  Down.     He 

would  Produce  something  Serious  and 

Meritorious  that  would  throw  "Willie's 

Good  Night"  into  the  Shade.     So  he 

3*5 


MORE   FABLES    IN  SLANG 

labored  for  Two  Years  on  a  Novel  that 
analyzed  Social  Conditions,  and  every 
Reviewer  said  that  here  was  a  Volume 
by  the  Author  of  "Willie's  Good 
Night."  The  Purchasers  of  the  Book 
expected  to  take  it  Home  and  Read  it 
and  Weep.  When  they  found  that  it 
did  not  contain  any  Dark  Skies  or 
Headstones,  they  felt  that  they  had 
been  Bilked  out  of  $1.50  each.  It  was 
Suggested  that  the  Author  of  "  Willie's 
Good  Night"  was  losing  his  Grip  and 
seemed  to  have  Written  Himself  Out. 
He  was  not  wholly  Discouraged.  He 
went  out  Lecturing  on  the  Occult,  just 
to  prove  to  People  that  he  had  been 
Misjudged.  The  Local  Chairman  al- 
ways introduced  him  as  the  Celebrated 
Author  of  "Willie's  Good  Night." 
Frequently  he  was  Dragged  away  to  a 
216 


THE  FABLE    OF   THE  AUTHOR 

Home  to  meet  all  the  Big  Guns  of  one 
of  these  Towns  that  call  a  Lecture  a 
Show.  After  he  had  been  on  Exhibi- 
tion for  a  Half  Hour  or  so,  the  same 
as  the  Albino  or  the  Man  with  the 
Elastic  Skin  in  the  Main  Curio  Hall, 
the  Host  would  clear  a  Space  in  the 
Center  of  the  Room  and  announce  that 
he  was  about  to  spring  a  Delightful 
Surprise  on  their  Distinguished  Guest. 
Little  Fern,  the  Daughter  of  the  County 
Recorder, was  going  to  Speak  "Willie's 
Good  Night." 

There  are  Times  and  Times,  but 
those  were  the  Times  when  he  suffered 
Agony  that  went  beyond  the  Limit. 

The  Author  always  knew  the  Verses 

were  Bad  enough  to  be  Wicked,  but  he 

never  guessed  how  Yellow  they  really 

were  until    he  heard  them  recited  by 

217 


MORE   FABLES   IN  SLANG 

Little  Girls  who  made  the  Full  Stop 
at  the  Comma  instead  of  the  Period. 
He  used  to  lose  a  Pound  a  Minute,  and 
when  he  would  start  back  to  the  Hotel 
his  Shoes  would  be  Full  of  Cold  Per- 
spiration. Finally,  when  he  began  to 
decline  Invitations,  against  the  advice 
of  his  Manager,  it  was  said  of  him  that 
he  was  Eccentric  and  appeared  to  have 
a  Case  of  the  Swell  Head. 

He  had  to  retire  into  a  Suburb,  where 
he  built  a  Wall  around  his  Premises  and 
put  up  Signs  against  Trespassing.  He 
had  a  Chinaman  for  a  Servant,  because 
the  Chinaman  did  not  know  he  was  an 
Author,  but  supposed  him  to  be  a 
Retired  Porch-Climber. 

Thus  he  was  enabled  to  Forget  for 
an  Hour  or  Two  at  a  Time. 

MORAL:  Refrain  from  Getting  Gay 
with  the  Emotions. 

218 


PRINTED  BY  R.  R.  DONNELLEY 
AND  SONS  COMPANY  AT  THE 
LAKESIDE  PRESS,  CHICAGO,  ILL. 


"He  toiled  with  Janice  Meredith, 

And  toyed  with  Andy  Lang, 
And  spent  a  happy  season  with 
George  Ade's  entrancing  slang." 

— St.  Louis  Post-Dispatch. 

"  The  Fables  of  Mr.  George  Ade  are  immensely  diverting,  and  you 
might  think  you  could  have  written  them  yourself  until  you  try  the  ex- 
periment."— Philadelphia  North  American. 

"There  are  few  books  that  one  feels  justified  in  describing  as 'deli- 
cious.' Most  of  them  are  old  friends;  a  few  are  new.  One  of  the  new 
books  of  this  kind  is  George  Ade's  '  Fables  in  Slang.'  " — Minneapolis 
Times. 

"There  isn't  a  dull  line  in  the  book,  from  the  title-page  to  the  last 
'  moral.' " — Terre  Haute  Gazette. 

"The  Fables  are  absolutely  free  from  coarseness.  They  are  full  of 
humor  and  they  hit  off  many  fads  of  the  season.  The  book  will  serve  as 
an  unfailing  antidote  for  depression." — San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

"  Mr.  George  Ade  in  '  Fables  in  Slang  '  catches  on  to  the  current 
vernacular  and  presents  episodes  in  life  with  '  a  moral '  in  a  most  amus- 
ing manner.  He  shows  keenness  of  perception,  decked  with  much 
humor." — New  York  Times. 

"  The  effectiveness  and  life  of  George  Ade's  '  Fables  in  Slang  *  are 
found  in  the  underlying  truths,  which  the  humor  only  serves  to  reveal." 
— Indianapolis  News. 

"In  his  newest  book,  '  Fables  in  Slang,'  he  appeals  more  completely 
to  all  America.  The  slang  in  which  he  has  composed  these  pages  is 
the  slang  of  the  whole  continent,  and  very  amusing  it  is.  ...  The 
turns  of  humor  in  his  Fables  are  distinctly  overshadowed  by  the  richness 
of  Mr.  Ade's  argot,  and  I  think  there  is  hardly  a  drummer  in  the  United 
States — if  the  trusts  have  not  yet  wiped  out  that  individual — who  will 
not  be  ready  to  swear  that  these  Fables  are  '  real  crisp  ones,"  and  almost 
as  good  as  the  efforts  of  the  reckless  William  Baxter." — Town  Topics. 

"  Nobody  ever  tires  of  Ade's  Fables."— 5V.  Paul  Globe. 

The  price  of  the  book  is  one  dollar.  Sold  at  book- 
stores and  news-stands. 

HERBERT  S.   STONE  &   CO. 

ELDRIDGE  COURT,  CHICAGO. 

P.  S.  —  A  booklet  containing  one  Fable  (as  a 
"Teaser")  will  be  sent  to  any  address  on  receipt  of  a 
two-cent  stamp. 


BY  GEORGE  ADE. 

PINK   MARSH: 
A  Story  of  the  Streets  and  Town. 

Here  is  a  perfect  triumph  of  characterization.  .  .  .  Pink 
must  become  a  household  word.— Kansas  City  Star. 

It  is  some  time  since  we  have  met  with  a  more  amusing  char- 
acter than  is  "Pink  Marsh."  .  .  .  "Pink"  is  not  a  conven- 
tional "coon"  of  the  comic  paper  and  the  variety  hall,  but  a 
genuine  flesh  and  blood  type,  presented  with  a  good  deal  of 
literary  and  artistic  skill. — New  York  Sun. 

i6mo.  Cloth.  With  forty  full-page  illustrations  by 
John  T.  McCutcheon.  Eighth  thousand.  $1.25. 

DOC    HORNE: 
A  Story  of  the  Streets  and  Town. 

"Doc"  Home"  is  by  the  author  of  "Artie"  and  "Pink 
Marsh."  Those  who  have  read  these  books  will  need  but  little 
in  line  of  a  review  of  "Doc"  Home"  beyond  this  informa- 
tion. "Doc"'  is  a  charming  old  gentleman,  who  resides  at  the 
Alfalfa  European  Hotel  He  is  without  title  to  the  handle  to  his 
name,  save  such  as  is  given  him  by  one  of  his  own  charming 
plausible  and  always  interesting  tales.  ^  Doc^"  is  the  center  of 

To 

Boy,"  "The 

Married  Man,"  "  The  Book  Agent,"  and,  most  momentous  of  all, 
"  The  Hustler."  These  characters  are  all  very  distinctly  drawn 
with  few  and  crisp  touches,  but  their  marked  individuality  but 
serves  as  a  touchstone  to  draw  "Doc"'  Home's  beautiful  fabri- 
cations of  love,  adventure,  heroism  and  brilliant  detective  ex- 
ploits.— St.  Paul  Globe. 

George  Ade,  whose  "Artie"  attracted  notice  by  the  extraordi- 
nary vividness  of  its  photographic  portraits  of  Chicago  life,  has 
written  some  more  clever  sketches  of  the  same  kind,  which  are 
published  under  the  title,  "  Doc '  Home."  As  a  master  of  slang 
Mr.  Ade  has  no  superior;  it  is  doubtful  whether  his  equal  is  to  be 
found.  The  author  has  no  difficulty  in  keeping  up  with  the  times, 
and  "Doc*  Home"  will  be  found  fresh  enough.  There  is  not  a 
little  insight  into  human  nature  in  these  pages,  and  as  a  study  of 
the  forlorn,  uncultivated,  homeless  type  of  American,  to  be  found 
in  the  hotels  of  every  large  city,  is  perfection  itself. — Springfield 
Republican. 

i6mo.  Cloth.  With  many  full-page  illustrations  by 
John  T.  McCutcheon.  Eighth  thousand.  $1.25. 

HERBERT  S.  STONE  &  CO.,  CHICAGO. 


BY  GEORGE   ADE. 

ARTIE: 
A  Story  of  the  Streets  and  Town. 

Mr.  Ade  shows  all  the  qualities  of  a  successful  novelist.— 
Chicago  Tribune. 

Artie  is  a  character,  and  George  Ade  has  limned  him  deftly  as 
well  as  amusingly.  Under  his  rollicking  abandon  and  reckless- 
ness we  are  made  to  feel  the  real  sense  and  sensitiveness,  and  the 
worldly  wisdom  of  a  youth  whose  only  language  is  that  of  a  street- 
gamin.  As  a  study  of  the  peculiar  type  chosen,  it  is  both  typical 
and  inimitable. — Detroit  Free  Press. 

Neither  Townsend's  "Chimmie  Fadden,"  Cahan's  Ghetto  re- 
flections nor  Edward  Harrigan's  squatter  cartoons  in  mimic  can 
compare  with  George  Ade's  sketches  of  commonplace,  work-a- 
day  city  life.  None  of  the  New  York  writers  has  the  exquisite 
sincerity  of  purpose,  purity  of  style  and  richness  of  American 
humor  which  unite  in  the  genius  of  Ade.  Considerable  of  the 
man's  own  character  stands  revealed  in  the  breadth  of  human 
sympathy,  the  delicacy  and  irresistible  humor  of  Ade's  stories. 
.  .  .  In  all  the  books  with  plots  laid  in  Chicago  none  has  so 
graphically  emphasized  local  slang,  characteristics  and  color  as 
Ade's  "Artie,"  and  that  intangible  atmosphere  which  vivifies 
all  art  lies  about  the  sketches  in  captivating  reality.  .  .  .  Mc- 
Cutcheon's  new  Artie  will  charm  the  thousands  who  learned  to 
delight  in  the  sharp,  honest  young  law-abiding  hoodlum  of  Chi- 
cago and  his  girl,  Mame.  The  artist  has  caught  exactly  the  idea 
of  the  author  in  representing  Artie,  and  the  humorous  scenes,  the 
gentle  drifts  of  sentiment  and  description  are  outlined  in  telling 
illustration,  which  adds  tremendous  interest  to  the  story.  These 
young  men  have  succeeded  in  giving  literature  and  art  real  peo- 
ple and  real  characteristics  of  Chicago  without  depending  upon 
maps  for  locale.  "Artie"  is  Chicago;  moreover,  it  is  now. — 
Amy  Leslie  in  the  Chicago  Daily  News. 

i6mo.  Cloth.  Uniform  with  "  Pink  Marsh."  With 
many  illustrations  by  John  T.  McCutcheon.  Thirtieth 
thousand.  $1.25. 


The  publishers  will  soon  issue  the  ONE  HUNDREDTH 
thousand  of  the  somewhat  different  book  entitled: 

FABLES  IN  SLANG 

By  George  Ade.     Pictures  by  Clyde  J.  Newman. 

The  book  contains  twenty-six  Fables.  These  Fables 
deal  with  modern  instances.  The  book  is  quaintly 
illustrated  in  wood-cut  style.  Although  the  vernac- 
ular of  1900  is  given  free  access  to  the  pages  of  this 
volume,  the  Fables  are  not  wholly  unintelligible  to 
college  professors  and  others  accustomed  to  the  use 
of  English. 

The  book  came  out  on  November  i  and  has 
enjoyed  a  growing  popularity,  the  demand  being 
particularly  brisk  at  first-class  bookstores  patronized 
by  people  with  high  foreheads.  The  good  thing 
about  this  book  is  that  every  one  who  reads  it  thinks 
it  is  the  other  fellow  who  is  being  put  on  the  grid.  In 
order  to  prove  that  the  book  is  understood  and  ap- 
preciated by  the  most  discriminating  members  of  so- 
ciety, the  following  newspaper  clippings  are  offered 
as  evidence  : 

Read  What  the  Critics  Say. 

"These  Fables  hit  off  the  petty  vanities  of  mankind  and  womankind 
with  a  crispness  and  brevity  quite  inimitable." — The  Standard, 
Chicago. 

"The humor  of  the  universe  seems  to  center  in  Chicago.  George 
Ade  is  one  of  the  cleverest  funny  men  in  the  country.  His  Fables  have 
been  quoted  from  Boston  to  San  Francisco." — Buffalo  Exprest. 

"  Exquisitely  funny." — Baltimore  American. 

"His  method  is  original,  but  not  fantastic.  It  is  the  result  of  close 
observation  of  the  phases  of  life  in  our  western  cities  that  have  never 
before  been  put  into  books." — Review  of  Reviews. 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


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